Several months ago I started attending meetings of the local writing group at a nearby Barnes and Nobles store. Two of the members were guys I knew previously from organizing Nanowrimo write ins this past November. I was nervous, but excited, to be reading for others and commenting on their work as well. As I kept returning, month after month, I started to realize something about some of my fellow group members.
Surely if the eyes are the window to the soul then mine must be black as sin.
Surely with the hurt and loss, abuse and torture I have suffered I must be broken down and shattered within.
Surely with all I’ve seen all I have done and all I have destroyed, it is far too late for me to be saved.
Surely I am a lone wandering excuse for a human shell. Left to rot. Surely….Surely it must be so.
Who says? Who says I cannot find hope and strength within? Who says I cannot stand upon my own two feet, raise my face to the sun and move past the darkness and into the light?
You say because you are afraid of what I will become. You push me down when I stand tall. You watch me beg watch me fall, laughing at my misdeeds, jesting upon my courage. I will, I shall I can stand tall. I will be free. I will seek light. I will find my path…….
Not today, perhaps tomorrow….or another day, another week, another month…this sounds about right.
Waiting is best, fear lingers here, her power and scent strong, holding me back….Fear is good. Fear is comforting…I will not stand tall, I will not shall not cannot stand tall. I shall never be free, for within the darkness I know my place. I am filled with quiet grace. I am strong, secretly so….I’ll have my day…..maybe.
So I was looking through the Blogverse, which is to say the Universe size amount of blogs out there and I realized something – Most blogs, not all but most of the super famous ones are run by mothers. Not only are they run by mothers but if you want to become a blogger and make a name for yourself you better have children because hey other wise your story just isn’t that interesting.
The sad thing is that I know I am not that original so I know that there are a lot of women just like me feeling left out – a lot of women feel as if their stories just do not matter because they don’t have children, or because they aren’t listed as “Top Mommy blog of the year”. This offends me greatly.
There is a part of me, a tiny part of me that cries “I’m a mommy too”. A mother is defined as someone who has children, but what about those of us who do not? Not by our own choosing, but because sometimes that is just the way that life works.
There is nothing, and no one that can replace the loss of my would be son. Nothing and no one that can take this pain away and ever make it better, I have learned some days will be okay, other days will suck, and somewhere in between there will be days that are either not half bad or pretty damned amazing. It is just the way it is going to be.
From here on out though I refuse to feel guilty for not being a mommy, I refuse to believe that my story is unimportant because I do not have children. The moment I believe that the trauma and abuse I have suffered ceases to matter is the day that I then give up on myself. I will never allow for that to happen.
There are plenty of beautiful amazing women out there who have stories of survival or laughter, who see life in a different way and it is time that we join up against the army of mommy bloggers. (No offence Mothers) I am tired of feeling like I am a lone wolf in a sea of Mother-type-Sisterhoods so I am going to ask you to join with me.
All you have to do to join up is share a link to your blog. I am looking for blogs that are -not- the typical “look at my child isn’t he/she amazing” blog. We want to see stories of women who are dating or single, straight or gay, or any other permeation of lifestyle you can imagine. Hope to hear from you soon.
I have been a writer for a very long time. I have always shied away from any kind of writing community though. I decided tonight, that I needed to do something different, just to see if I could. So here we go, This is my entry for the WordPress.Com weekly writing challenge. I hope you enjoy.
Imagine for a moment if you could, what it means to fall in love with a person you have never met before. A person who amazes you, inspires you…pushes you and questions you in all of the best ways. A Person who is equally as fascinated by you as you are of them;
Imagine for a moment if you can, a connection that is so perfect you almost don’t need to speak, to express how you feel because they already know. Even if you yourself are unaware yet, or if your unable to say the words. Imagine if you have waited for hour’s day’s weeks and months to be with the person you love.
Neither of you have any idea of whether or not it is going to last, if it is that through the trees out of the park, into the sky heading for space kind of love and both of you are aware it doesn’t matter.
Because what matters is the now, every second you can hear their voice, every moment that you get to spend together, every reminder that says simply “I’m thinking of you”
That is what this picture says to me.
In my mind this is a couple who have never met before. Yet everything that matters they know and understand about the other person.
They have no fear of each other because they spent six months getting to know each other. A Connection was built through a box made of wires and plastic and little bits of metal.
Day by day that connection grew, day by day that connection turned from mutual respect to friendship to like to love.
This is the day they first meet. When they can look into each other’s eyes and not need to say a word because everything has already been said.
Every word, every thought, every projection of emotion has already verbally expressed.
Now instead of words they use touch. They kiss each other’s lips, hold each other’s hands. He runs his fingers across her face, her fingers slide through his hair. Their eyes close only when exhaustion prevents them from staying open longer.
They embrace and they refuse to let go because every second that they stop touching is a second closer to when one of them has to say goodbye.
Every second that they stop embracing is a moment lost, a memory dissipated.
By now they will have stood outside for ten minutes hugging, when they could be inside making love or making dinner, watching a movie or simply enjoying each other’s company.
However neither care, because really everything they need, everything they want is exactly where they stand…in each other’s arms.