Say So Long, Say Goodbye

Sometimes I find it incredibly easy to walk away from people.
Sometimes not so much.

It is funny I’m writing this now because I just got a call from two said friends I walked from. Their angry I didn’t give them 20 dollars they feel I owe them, accusing me of being a drug addict – I don’t do drugs. Accusing me of being a moochey pooky little bitch yada yada yada.

They seem to think I’m angry at them the sad truth is I really don’t give a shit. I cannot bring myself to care. Today my phone called them probably because I pressed a button and it did so and so now I get to listen to their bullshit. I really could care less about either of them.

However last night a friend I do care about and I had a fight. It wasn’t a huge fight, it was just a fight. Just resentments finally coming out of the woodwork. He said something stupid, something that pissed me off and suddenly I got so fucking angry I didn’t hold back. I told him that I was angry he checked on our friendship. Understandably so he had no idea what I was talking about – understandable because well in the last year I haven’t confronted him, haven’t even tried which on my part wasn’t really all that fair.

I guess though Im just tired. What pissed me off is that when I finally decided to tell him how I feel he accuses me of being drunk and worse pulling out the poor me card. I never do that. Okay that might be a lie, yes of course I do Im human but not in this case and not with this man. Not with this person I admired, helped, worked with supported and repeatedly defended.

Not with this person I loved. With this person I thought I could be open and honest with, I could tell anything to. Nope apparently not. That hurts.

This is a man who indeed is selfish, and has little to no feelings for those around him but at his core is still a good person. He means well but does not always act well on those intentions. People get hurt, and so I wonder where he will be when when he’s chased everyone away.

I am broken, a piece of me – another deeper piece I didn’t know I had in me broke when our friendship splintered. I am not certain it will ever repair, it will heal but the scar will be there.

Until the day we meet again I say fair well, travel safe and take love with you where you go. I know you will do great things.

S

I don’t think you know what that word means.

Originally posted on Darth Pudding:

Mia, you speak of wanting to protect people from the evils of the world, but an evil that you fail to protect them and your readers from is victim blaming. 

I was attacked in my school uniform by a partner. I was not intoxicated; it was in the afternoon and took place in a location I was familiar with. I trusted him. I thought I loved him and I hoped he loved me. He did not. I was his punching bag. He told me ‘the only good thing in me was him’ and when he finished, he called me ‘trash’, told me I was ‘ruined’ and to ‘fuck off’.

I am not qualified to speak on behalf of other women, because I don’t think anyone should ever say ‘I know how you feel’, because they simply don’t. We all experience things differently. I am writing this because I need to…

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Under Age Drinking Causes Rape

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This offends me on a deep and shame filled scale. I have been always honest with the fact that I have been raped, tortured and in at least one case kidnapped and assaulted. I don’t go into detail often, but the internet seems to be in a shitstorm over the Maryville case. Because hey, all girls like guys who stand up for Rape victim’s right?

The problem is, I’m seeing a ton of anger (and rightfully so) but what frightens me is that I am not seeing anyone say “What can we do for the victims, what do THEY need” No one ever asks that question. People see someone who is broken and hurt and suffering, and they want to help but rather than help often times they cause more harm than good.

In the case of my first rape my counsellor took me to get my makeup done, she figured that if I was just smiling and happy and looked beautiful I would feel beautiful and “get over it”. What she did, unbeknownst to her, is that she set me back fifteen years.

I had you see, all the girlie dreams for the romantic way I would lose my virginity, and laugh if you want, but it was very important to me that it be someone I love. I wanted the fairy tale, and god damn it I fucking deserved the fairy tale. We all do.

Every time I was ever assaulted it was my fault. When I was kidnapped, put into a van and taken to the middle of no where in South Surrey ( a place I still cannot bring myself to go back to) by five large east indian males, one named tiny (I later found out it was because he had a REALLY tiny penis) I was asked by the police why I was out so late at night by myself. When I asked them to call someone to pick me up the dispatcher looked at me and said “well can’t you just walk? it isn’t that far”. I was treated at the hospital, but no one did a rape kit, no one asked me any questions, they just sent me on my merry way.

When I was date raped I had no memory of it for three months. I had been drinking tea the night it happened. At a party full of friends, I remember it was tea because I was very ill.

Every time I have been left to fight my own battles, deal with it myself. When I have seeked out help I have been told to take drugs or in the case of one counsellor “it happened, you may as well accept it and let it go”.

It was not until a friend of mine told me to remember it. At the time I thought he was crazy, and uncaring.

“Go through every second of every event, like a movie, let it play, and if at the end of it your not laying in a puddle of blood and tears, you’ll know you’re okay.” Sure enough, though it took some courage, I learned to deal witht he fact that it happened. I am still not okay, every day for fifteen years I have to remember that I am not a normal person.

For the last eight years, every august I go into hiding and have legit “shadow pain” because my ex boyfriend held me down while my child died inside of me. At the time he was drugging me with a mix of morphine, tylenol 3, whiskey and pcp. I knew about the first three, due to outside issues, I had no idea he was putting PCP into my system – a fact he later laughed about. At an NA meeting several years later he said to me “I still owe you a step nine” – the forgie me step – while laughing about the fact that not only had he killed his son, but he had then had another and given his 2nd son, the name of his 1st son.

Rape is a brutal culture – on both ends of the scale. There is no middle ground. You cannot excuse it, while at the same time defending the victims. You cannot blame the victim, whilst at the same time saying “but hey yeah this is wrong so lets fight for said victim.”

The best way to help ANY victim, is ask the one question not one person in over 28 years has ever had the courage to ask me.  “What, do You, Need?”

You’d be surprised. Most victims suffer not just from the shame, but from the fear of never again feeling safe. Even today I have a big scary dog and I keep a minimum distance of 10 feet between myself and any man that comes my way. Yeah I’m fucked up I have issues, but I am aware of them and I had to find them on my own because no one defended me.

I am not trying to nor would I dare, speak for every rape victim out there, but AS A Survivor in training, I ask you, PLEASE before you act, think about what it means to be a victim. To be shamed, humiliated, ostracized and lose yourself of security. Think about what it means to have your entire world ripped apart with no  one there to pick up the pieces.

THINK before you act.

S

Life after Pain, Pt deux

success3So it is now two days after my surgery and I’m really surprised at my reactionary response. My life hasn’t changed all that much I mean I had some bad teeth removed, it isn’t exactly life altering. My worry was never about how I would look (I look exactly the same by the way). It was more about what am I going to do when I no longer need to take morphine and drink myself to sleep to deal with the pain…honestly? I feel really good considering.

One friend who I confided my fear of taking morphine said to me “you are a drug addict what the hell are they doing prescribing you morphine for?” I  explained to her that it wasn’t exactly fun for me and that I was afraid of how I’d react but that I was being careful. As I look back at that conversation I realize I take great offense. First off I am not a drug addict, I am a person who at one point in her life had a problem with drugs and alcohol. I am no longer that person any more .

I am a strong wise Ohna Finder, who has worked to deal with the issues that led her to using drugs and alcohol. Don’t get me wrong I am in pain, or rather discomfort, nothing like I was before. I do not reach for anything stronger than Tylenol nighttime or ibuprofen however. I do not go running to the ER because hey it isn’t that bad.

As I write this I am shaky as hell but that comes from having downed a starbucks double shot, not from the need for drugs. I was really worried that after all the alcohol I was drinking and the pills I was taking I’d be in a state of discontent and would return to my desire to pop pills the truth is I am now in a state where I take my prescribed medication only and exactly as prescribed. I worked very hard to get to this point and I am proud of myself for not only coming as far as I have but realizing it too, and to be frankly honest, I am ashamed of my friend for having such little confidence in me. Those who know me, should know by now I can do anything I put my mind to and nothing and no one is going to stop me.

I know I still need to discuss my hurt feelings with my friend, but I also know she was just worried about me, but by the same token I can’t help but wonder if she was so worried…..why hasn’t she called to see how I am doing?

What about you? Have you recently dealt with someone not believing in you? How did you handle it?

S

Life after Pain

Last week I had the opportunity to go to support a family friend who also happens to be rather “important” for our local Political scene. (To protect their identity I will not name him of course). He confided that if he had to do any more of these political parties he was genuinely afraid he’d turn into an alcoholic. If you’ve ever been to these fancy shindigs with the fancy food and the people all postering to get attention, you’ll understand alcohol plays a big part in these events.

It turns out his words were rather fortuitous, not for him mind you for me. Recently I have been in so much pain that I have been popping morphine and tylenol like it is candy.

While it has (sort of) been helping with the pain I have a huge fear of what is to come next.

I’ve been careful (enough) to make sure that I don’t take enough to kill myself or anything, and I’ve been checking in with my support group – but part of me wonders…how much of this pain is real and how much is imagined because my body and spirit are so used to the drugs they do not want to give them up?

I’ve already been through this once. I ended up having a serious problem with drugs and alcohol – and while that was very much emotional and less physical I spent a lot of my life refusing to take pills unless absolutely necessary.

I work very hard to protect myself from addiction, I work incredibly hard to defend myself from these demons. Yet I wonder what will life be like when I am no longer all on these killers?

After this (I hope) the only medication I will need to take will be for my menstrual pain. (Naproxen) What if it isn’t tho? What if I have set myself up for failure after three long years of serious hard work? What will I do then?

Well I have a plan for that too…I’m just going to need some help making it happen. Many people in my position wouldn’t bother doing the groundwork but I have seen too many friends die because of this disease and I refuse to be another statistic. I’ve come this far right? So it may be hard but it’s going to be worth it in the end.

 

When the universe Speaks, It Screams

Aries Horoscope Today: Your heart will point you in the right direction today and if you are smart you won’t ask questions, you will just go where it tells you to go. Relationships are under excellent stars, so tell someone you love them.

Today was a crazy day, I had to go see my doctor today to get my morphine refill – we talked for awhile, and when I headed out I went over to a local store to buy a few things, but none of that is the important stuff;

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Today may not be a good one

 

This is how I feel today. I was going to write a beautiful blog post about these two amazing bloggers I found, and I promise I’ll do it sick babylater mom, but right now I am going to curl up in bed, hope to god my wisdom tooth behaves for a few more hours until I can go see my damn doctor, and get some sleep. Good night lovies.