I have to say I am pretty proud of myself. I am now about three months having left the negativity of recovery behind and I really do not miss it. I do not miss the drama, or walking in and having the women spend twenty minutes telling me how awful their lives are before even asking how I am or worse, before even saying hello. I do not miss the men hitting on me or ignoring me, giving me that look, the one that says “your either not hot enough for me to be seen with” or “you are beneath me” I do not miss the false sense of security. I am however great-full for the lessons I took away when I left.
Last night I had a really horrible awful trigger night, and my first inclination was to stay away from any alcohol or booze. My second was to have a shower and my third, and probably most important was to pray. I try to say a prayer of thanks every day but this one was different. This was a prayer of help and aid, and the strangest thing happened – okay yeah I’m a witch strange things always happen around me, but for the first time I started counting backwards and it helped beyond belief.
- 10 – I am the same person I was
- 9 – I am not alone
- 8 – I will not let the darkness surround me
- 7 – My Goddess will protect me
- 6 – The Past does not control me
- 5 – addiction does not control me
- 4 – Each breath brings calm
- 3 – I am free of negative influences
- 2 – Remember the light
- 1 – I am free and okay
This I recognize is not a cure all, and I know that certain conversations, events, places and people will remind me of the bad days. I know these things will remind me of pretending to be happy when I wasn’t, of giving away my body to men I didn’t love in search for some kind of affection. I know that there will as long as I am alive, be times when it just sucks to wake up. I also know now though more so than ever that I no longer need or want alcohol or pills, drugs or any other kind of escape from my problems. This was a lesson twenty years in the making, I am really fucking proud of myself.
I am proud because I am finding within myself some semblance of peace and frankly isn’t that what this blog is all about? Just one more puzzle piece in the art of finding ohna.