Not a guru

Someone called me that once, a Guru of knowledge. I had to laugh for I am no such thing. I am only a seeker of wisdom and a lover passionate of knowledge.

I am contrary to what some may think, not the best communicator – this is something I am only just now starting to learn.

I have a hard time criticizing someone, or telling them to back off when I need them to. Even worse I have a hard time confronting people when they think the worst of me – many times this makes people think I am angrier then I am.

Recently I have had several such dealings with someone who has made me feel like I am not good enough, or that I have nothing to contribute.

I have been subtly trying to show this person that they do not know me by sharing my experience, and by telling her some of my story, but I realized tonight that this person like many others is just not going to understand. No matter what I say or do.

I have for many years found that I am constantly walking on eggshells in order make other people happy – I have been living as half of who I really am because I am either too tired to have to constantly explain that “I believe in this, I know this, I’ve learned this” or I just do not care to share my story on a regular basis.

We are supposed to take time to get to know each other, and although I do honestly make an attempt to do that with people that I meet, I also recognize that in this one instance, her attitude towards me, her treatment of me and her opinion of me are none of my business. They are not going to change without a lot of work on my part, and to be honest with you when I am left feeling inadequate or not good enough, like I have nothing to offer I loose my desire to want to be nice to you.

I grow impatient and vengeful and I hold onto these negative feelings and they only get bigger and worse. This is not the kind of person I want to be, I am fighting every day to be better then that. So with that being said, her feelings towards me are none of my business.

I am tired of trying to make excuses for why people treat me the way they do so I give up. From here on out I am going to be me, and I am going to refuse to explain why I am the way I am any more, to any body. I am who I am an that’s all I am, and if you cannot accept that, take it up with the Universe.



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