Not going to Lie

The last week and a half has kicked my ass. Things I thought I had long since gotten over have come back to haunt me in ways I did not think possible.

I usually don’t talk about personal stuff here but I thought it was important to be honest and show that even I can be shoved into the darkness every now and then.

I went to a meeting on Friday night and I made it very clear I needed help. It felt good to say that, to stand in front of both friends and strangers and tell them that I am not infallible, that there are days even those who think they are above pain can hurt every now and then.

It felt even better to have said friends, and even some strangers come up and offer a hug, a phone number and the gift of their time to help me get through these issues.

I am now 48 hours clean and sober but hell I have already proven to myself I can stop using. What I need to work on now is the darkness inside my head.

Growing up I had so many beautiful places inside my head to hide. I created gardens and waterfalls, places of serenity and magic, when things got bad I just had to retreat into my head to escape.

Over the last fifteen or so years the darkness has kind of come in and corrupted those places, made it impossible to hide without the use of drugs or alcohol, impossible to dream or to forget.

I am re-learning though that the darkness only has power when you allow it. Last night I laid in bed and I tried a trick that Legacy taught me. I went over in my head everything the Ex did to me, I let it play like a movie and I reminded myself that it couldn’t hurt me any more. I reminded myself that he no longer has any power over me, not every man will hit, not every man will make me cry.

I still need to work on some boundaries  and I still need to remind myself I deserve to be happy and I deserve to be treated with respect, but it is an on going regular process. I cannot ever afford to get too comfortable or the Universe will slap me back down and remind me of my place in the world. As it should, life is a learning experience, not a vacation.

S

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