I am a mother.
He would be about six years old today.
His name would be Conner.
His would have been father is in prison.
His mother is a basket case of insanity trying to understand how to fit safely in an unperfect world.
He is dead.
I am a Mother.
I loath and detest mommy blogs. I hate them because I feel like it is this great amazing beautiful secret club that I just do not get to be a part of. So many of my friends tell me how lucky I am, not to be chained to an abusive bastard. I don’t have to worry about paying food or rent, diapers or formula. I am so lucky I have free time on my hands. I am so lucky I do not have to worry every second of every day about my child. I am lucky they say because think about how life would be if I had a child. Think about how hard and how difficult it would be.
They mean well, but really what do you say to a woman who has lost a child?
How do you deal with that pain and that loss? This is how.
First you let it wash over you, and you allow it to take you under.
You think about every second of every day that should be spent making bottles, changing diapers, teaching and being fascinated by your son. You watch women and men swear yell and scream at their children to behave, and wonder why they get to have their kids and you don’t get yours. You watch happy families, sad families, broken families and you smile and coo and pretend that it doesn’t bother you.
You listen as your friends talk about what it is like to deal with healthy kids, sick kids and sad kids, happy kids and scared kids. You listen mostly to what they don’t say. How they won’t talk about the important things because their afraid you will break.
I think the first day of school was the worst. So many of your friends take their children to school, or the beach, to play in the park or for walks in the sunlight. You don’t get to do any of that, because although your a mother, your not a mom, not really.
You don’t worry about any of the things that other moms have to worry about because your a mother, but your not a mom.
This is why I hate mommy blogs. Why I don’t read them, or share them or talk about them. It is simply too hard.
Because you see, I am a mother…but not really.
There are some amazing mothers out there, some great wonderful mothers, and some even better moms, but to those of you who have ever lost a child, you do not stop being a mom just because your child is gone.
I can’t promise that it gets better though, because I haven’t experienced that yet.
If any of you out there have lost a child and learned to deal with it, if you could show me how you did it, I would very much appriciate that.