Heres the Deal

Okay enough of keeping secrets. I have kept my mouth shut for the better part of ten years and all it has done is caused a darkness inside of me that cannot really be healed.

I have written a couple of times about the fact that I am suing a church. If you go to the Church’s website this is the first thing you see:

Christ The King Lutheran Church proclaims the simple Gospel stated by our Saviour and Lord Jesus Christ who said “I am the way, the truth, and the life, no one comes to the Father except through Me.” Our understanding is it is not enough to merely claim the reality of His statement since He also wants us to proclaim it to others. Therefore, our National Church is right when it asks us to be in mission for others. We are an Evangelizing Church, and take seriously our task of education at all levels, as well as our obligation to support social ministry.

There is a twisted bit of irony in that.

The building that CTK operates out of also has many other groups that use the building, one of which is Surrey Urban Mission.

For the last eight years my mom has run SUMS, turning it into an organization any city should and is proud of. In the last eight years SUMS has the proud honor of claiming numerous groups from around North America coming to visit to do service work. CTK cannot claim that.

Every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday a hot meal is served, Sums also has a free daycamp which often boasts over a hundred children, they do womens programs, youth programs, the list is endless. CTK has participated in none of these things.

I remember once telling one of the men of the congregation that if it were not for my mother CTK wouldn’t even exist, he agreed on not one but two separate occasions.

I am offended by what I see on their website, I am offended at the fact that my mother has worked her fingers to the bone making contacts and turning SUMS into something the entire city should be thanking her for and she has to deal with the amount of shit that CTK doles out.

This is the Church I am suing. Why? Because they are awful people. The chances I will win my case are slim to none, but that doesn’t even matter it isn’t about the money it is about and has always been about standing up for what is right.

For some reason people are afraid of these awful men and women, they get away with treating people like crap, they are rude, the Pastor has been heard several times over the last eight years uttering racial slurs and jokes, he has been witnessed pushing a homeless cancer patient while yelling at the same poor man.

He has been accused of kicking a man in the head – though I can neither confirm nor deny this as fact, I can say that knowing the man as I do I wouldn’t doubt it.

On a regular basis the current Pastor will stand up on the pulpit and tell his congregation of twelve or so members lie after lie, he will read from his favorite newspaper. Last Sunday he had his Pastoral Assistant, who is not even a pastor, do the entire service.

Even though I do not go to Church any more this offends me, strictly because I was raised Catholic and this is just not how a church is supposed to behave, let alone a Pastor.

A few weeks ago he got mad at my mom and in front of plenty of witnesses got in her face and started shaking his fist at her while yelling at her. Who the fucks yells and screams at a woman in a wheelchair? I am sad to say I was not there to witness this personally, he is being reviewed at the moment but I doubt he’ll face any punishment, as he never has before.

The Secretary herself told me that the reason they cancelled my dance was because they do not support homosexuality, and knowing Canadian law as I do they will probably win. I don’t care about that, what I do care about however is making damned sure I do not go down without a fight.

I have seen person after person sit there and shake their heads in disgust at what happens within the confines of CTK’s building and no one does anything about it. I am certain, without any doubt I will get into trouble for this post but I have had enough.

I am a human being I love my fellow human beings, I do not tolerate hatred or demoralization of humans based on race, sex, creed, sexual orientation or any other stupid back water reason. I am going to put this into the Universe and take whatever consequences come my way.

If you WOULD like to help out however You can search “Surrey Urban Mission” in google and see just how much this organization has done for the city of Surrey BC. I assure you, you will find a grave difference between SUMS and CTK.

S

 

Life

bannerfans_6411234I am not going to pretend that I am honored to have been nominated by NinjaMatics because lets get real, I nominated myself. I have learned in my life if I want anything, I am going to have to get it myself because no one is going to just say “Wow we love you enough to nominate you for an award” or “your awesome enough that we want to do something for you” because well really no one ever has before.

No one has ever stood up for me, fought for me or worked to get my attention. I have learned that I am one of those people who slips in and out of lives rarely noticed when I’m there and often forgotten before I am gone.

This is not me feeling sorry for myself it just is what it is, it is how it has always been, and probably how it will always be. Friends who have had the true blessing of being brought into my inner circle either don’t realize how important they are to me, or don’t notice that by bringing them into my aforementioned inner circle I am affirming my love of them.

With all that being said it is kind of cool that the judges thought my blog worthy enough to link to, but to be perfectly honest I don’t expect I’ll win. In fact after looking at some of the other writers nominated in the Life Category I pretty much know how it is going to go down, I’m fairly certain of who is going to win (and no this isn’t a please let me win post).

Some of you may read this and begin to think I have little to no confidence in myself, but in reality I just know what I am capable of. I know that I will go on to continue to do great things and I know that those great things will be admired but the person behind the achievement  She will go ignored.

Today I was called a Trail Blazer  I was told that I do things out of the ordinary and expect nothing in return, this is true. It isn’t because I am a golden heart’ed soul it is because I have lived my life with nothing. That which I have that means anything to me, my camera, my laptop and most importantly my dog are things I earned, things I worked for and continue to work for every day.

No one has ever come up to me and said “hey you there, you deserve this and we love you so here you go” and no one is ever likely to do so.

When I conceived Radio Free Voice that was for myself, it was my way of literally trying to find my voice – I did that. I achieved that goal, I said goodbye and I moved on. There have been talks of bringing it back but it’s unlikely, because it’s already been done, and done better than anyone else could have done it. My numbers proved that within the first six months.

When I came up with Skin n Bones it was two am, and I was bored and angry at the things I was seeing young kids going through, I was pissed off they thought killing themselves was a better idea then trying to find some sense of happiness. I did this, I created this and within just a few weeks there are so many people trying to tear it down and take credit for my work I have to smile to myself.

They say the sincerest form of flattery is imitation well in that case baby I am a fucking Rock Star. I’m the female Gene Simmons in the making, there is no stopping me now.

Okay maybe not quite to that extent, my purpose in life isn’t world monetary domination, its world inspiration or something. I’d like to die and look back knowing I left the world in a better condition when I came into it, I’d like to live my life knowing that people were inspired by my site, my stories and my experience.

I’d like to know that I waded through hell and that it meant something, but chances are high that is never going to happen – that’s okay, I don’t need people to tell me I inspire them. I know it every day when I look up and see how many people are joining the SnBG army. That is enough for me. To know that there are people still being kind to each other, to know that there are people who love each other regardless of race, sexual orientation, creed, religion or sex. I know this because I see it every day when I go to twitter to find inspiration. So thanks for letting me know that I have officially been added to the list of would be winners, but the truth is, I’m already a winner.

S

 

The power of Choice

The thing about being lonely is that it does not go away unless you make the choice to fight it.

Like any demon; fear hatred hurt sadness regret suffering pain, you have to pick up your sword and find a way to fight it. The trick about these emotional demons is that they often convince you that you have no way out, no escape, that you are not strong enough to fight them.

When I think about my recovery I realize more and more that I am in a sense fighting these emotional demons who have for so long convinced me that I deserve to suffer, to be punished for crimes I have not committed.

 

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”

~Franklin D Roosevelt

 

A lot of people in my former recovery group have told me “people in recovery are sick” but they never understand how to finish the sentence. “People in recovery are sick until they realize they need to stop worrying about picking up the bottle and start learning to pick up the sword

Everyone I know in recovery is convinced that as long as you do not pick up, you can say your sober your healthy, your cured.

It is so much deeper than that, it is so much more complex then refusing to pick up a pill or a drink, it is about focusing on what it is that makes you want to pick up – peeling back the layers and seeing the demon for what it is.

So now that you know what it is you are actually fighting, you have two choices;

You can sit on your ass, whine and cry about how much your life sucks, or alternatively you can get up and do something about it.

“If you want to be somebody,

If you want to go somewhere,

You Better Wake Up and Pay Attention”

One of the other things we learn in recovery is that if you ever want your life to be better you have to live it for others, you get out of the Universe what you put into it. If you want to have a happy healthy life, then you have to actually work to make that happen and it should not be about making money and getting through the day.

You have to find something you are passionate about that helps other people – if I’ve learned anything in the last five years this is the most important lesson I can pass on.

“Never start a project with the idea of making money,

Start it with a desire to change the world.”

I want to leave the world in better condition then when I came into it. So many of us think that way but few of us have the courage to take action to make that happen. The world is filled with people who live and who die, and do very little in between those two occasions. You can decide to be lonely for the rest of your life, or you can find something you are passionate about and see where that road takes you.

The lesson of the day isn’t about inspiring you to do something to help others, its about showing you that through helping others you can help yourself.

Today’s lesson is simple: Choose! Make a choice, and be ready to live with the consequences, because the only thing that we have in this entire world that matters, that means anything, is Freedom Of Choice, The Power of Choice

Here is to hoping that you choose well.

S

 

 

Fear of love le deux

Beautiful Thing, groundbreaking gay play, to enjoy West End revivalThere are some people out there that are afraid of everything, some that are afraid of nothing and then there are those who are afraid of the irrational, like myself.

For instance I am terrified of the word ‘Beautiful” I cannot hear it without inwardly cringing inside because every time a male counterpart has ever used that word, it usually ended up with me being broken and bruised either physically or emotionally.

I am also afraid of the words “I love you”. I can use them but I take great issue with hearing them, mostly because I haven’t heard them enough in my life.

I suppose that is why the situation I am in currently hurts so much. I am starting to see a pattern in my life that I am finding devastatingly heart breaking.

I no longer go for the bad guy, or the guy who treats me like crap – Instead in the last year or so I have been leaning more toward the men that are very good at convincing the world they are the “good guy”.

Take my New years eve date for instance:

N and I had been friends for the better part of two years, he had seen me through the best and the worst of my recovery and he was the person that kept bringing me back, convincing me to stick it out. 

Finally we decided to go to the New Years NA dance together, as a couple. I was very excited. I got a great outfit, spent a ton getting my hair done, I was thrilled – because not only was I going with someone I respected but genuinely liked. 

The day of the dance he calls me to tell me he isn’t going to make it to dinner, because he’d been up with his son all night long, okay that I can understand. 

During my hair appointment he “lets it slip” that the real reason he wasn’t going to make it to dinner, was because he thought he would be spending the day with his new girlfriend. 

I was shocked hurt and angry and when I expressed this to him his response was “That’s the way the world goes sometimes”…Seriously? I can’t make this shit up. 

In the most recent case of dating and relationship disasters something happened and regardless of the other parties responsibility, I find myself wondering what is wrong with me, wondering why I am not good enough for him. What did I do to make him decide that our relationship was great and all, just not great enough to make work? What could I have done differently?

This is the trouble with self reflection, even when there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome of a given situation, you have already trained yourself to ask the question, “what could I have done better?”

Especially in the case of someone who has a) not been loved enough and b) has seen far too many people walk out of her life.

So the question is what the hell do you do now? When someone you love claims to care about you but isn’t interested in perusing a relationship because of what may or may not happen, what do you do to end the pain and move on with your life in a more positive light filled way?

You cry, you feel sorry for yourself, you eat lots of chocolate and go out for wine filled drinks with friends and then you move on. Once the grieving has stopped you  move on with your life and wait for the next opportunity or go out of your way to find it.

In my particular case I am so used to disappointment and heart break I feel almost guilty for refusing to sit on my ass for the next six months wondering why he didn’t love me enough, as hurt as I am, as much as it stings.

As much as I would love to wallow, I am yet again starting over. I am yet again rebuilding my confidence shred by pathetic shred and I am going to pretend it doesn’t hurt, I am going to “fake it until I make it” because I have come too far to let this break me.

I won’t deny it will hurt for a long time, I can even admit it has pushed me back in my emotional recovery, but it is another lesson learned.

My only fear at this point, is how bitter is this newest hurt going to make me? I pray that I will somehow find the strength not to push people away like I have in the past out of fear. I hope that I can move on from this experience better informed and a little more careful but a little more welcoming to love when it finally does come my way.

S

Love

kittymauAs an adult who suffered sexual, emotional and physical abuse I understand what young people today are going through. I have yet to have a single person between the ages of 12-21 tell me I don’t get it because I share my story whenever I can. I do so because I truly believe it is important that kids today know they are not alone. I truly believe the only way someone who is suffering can know they are not alone, is for them to be shown that they are not alone.

Growing up, and even today as an adult I often feel like I am un-lovable, like I am un-worthy of being loved, but I know deep down that when those dark negative feelings begin to affect me I have to remember to stop and breath. To take a moment and remember that just because I feel like I am alone does not mean that I truly am in fact alone.

My higher power is with me always. It took me 29 years to accept that fact, to find my higher power and to trust that when the darkness comes, the light will follow. I have been through a lot in my life time but what I know most of all is that when the day comes I walk away from this life I will do so having left behind as much love and light as I can.

I have yet not earned the peace that death brings, because I know there is still yet work to be done. I know at this point in my life I do have a higher purpose, it took me nearly thirty full years to come to terms with that.

Recently I did a new video for Skin n Bones, it was simple – a collection of images of young people who have committed suicide in the last two years. We used a picture of a young man named Allem Halkic in the video – He was from Australia I don’t know much of his story because I have a hard time reading the stories of these young people who throw their lives away, who live in so much pain.

In any case Allem’s father contacted me to say thank you. Last night on twitter a young man credited me and my mission with his not cutting his arm or attempting to kill himself. Every day I am hearing from more and more people about how I am affecting them.
These are probably one of the best gifts I have or could ever be given. To know that I helped someone smile, to have brought even a tiny amount of peace to someones heart. Even if I can’t do it for myself right now, I know that at long last I have found my place in the world. This is incredible to me.

The feeling of knowing you have helped someone without ever wanting or needing anything in return truly is a gift from the Gods, that is what love is.

Yet another lesson I am learning just now as I roll myself back into my twenties *shut it*. Love isn’t just about work, it is about giving freely of yourself and expecting nothing in return, giving as much as possible and knowing that whether it comes around or not you have left behind some piece of yourself that you do not need to have returned.

I still believe wholly in love, I believe that true love comes from giving away what you have freely, from having no expectations and learning to live as if the world were what it should be, to show it what it can be. You will hear me mention that quote a lot because I believe that we must do that, we must always live as though the world were as it should be, because if we do not we cannot evolve, we cannot change.

Giving love is much easier then receiving love, but that is okay because as life goes on I feel it all around me, constantly growing stronger, constantly enriching my life.

Life is filled with love, you just need to have the courage to stand up and find it.

S

Fear

burnt dead dry heartFear can be debilitating  it can break you down and make you think that you have nothing to live for and nothing to offer. I recently experienced the consequences of what fear can do to someone you love. They say when you love someone you have to let them go, if they come back to you then it was meant to be.

I have spent a life time of watching people walk out of my life for a variation of reasons, all of which concluding in the idea that they were leaving me behind because it was good for me.

Andy left because he thought we would all be better off without him – Ruben left because he thought I would be safer without him, and well apparently I just can’t keep anyone around.

I don’t know if it is because I am unlovable  I don’t know if it is because I am so awful a person no man can stand to stay with me, unless he’s abusing me, I don’t know if it is because the Gods just hate me. I honestly do not know why it is that everyone I love walks away, thinking it is what is best for me.

In this particular case I know that fear is the culprit  Fear of what could happen, what might happen, what may never happen, it all revolves around fear and ends up the same – I sit here trying to figure out what I did wrong, what I could have done better and being completely at a loss for words.

The reality is that I am in the situation I am in because I risked my heart. I guess that is part of my Aries nature, leap first and ask questions later. Well, I am turning over a new leaf.

I am no longer going to fall for pretty eyes and shy smiles, I am no longer going to believe that when someone says they care about me they are telling the truth – because if there is one thing I have learned in 29 years it is that they are either lying, or will eventually change their mind.

I know this sounds rather bitter but if you asked Kelly she would tell you this is a regular occurrence in my life, there is something about me, something so wrong, so awful and horrible about me, that people come and people go, more so then happens with other people.

Some days I feel like Cupid is deliberately sitting on my shoulder taking the arrow out of men who come my way, instead of putting it in them. Either way I am done with the relationship scene, in 20 years or so I have let to meet a single person who was male, that genuinely wanted to be apart of my life – that was willing in any way to show me that I matter enough to fight for, to challenge and enjoy life with.

The truth is, at the beginning of any affair, I almost immediately begin these days, to wait for the other shoe to drop; Nearly every time I get comfortable, every time I begin to truly trust that perhaps things will work out something happens. Some cruel twist of fate decides that either he isn’t the one or I’m just unworthy, whatever it is.

So I am done.

I am going to focus on my writing, focus on skin n bones, and move on until I die. I won’t take chances like I did this past month again, I won’t trust that when someone says they want to be with me they mean it, because they never do.

You think I am exaggerating  I wish I were. Sadly if anything I am not being truthful enough in terms of the shear volume of people who have used me, abused me and walked away after making promises they realized were too difficult to keep.

While I hold no ill will or feelings of revenge towards them, in fact I wish them all the very best, it is most definitely time for me to move on.

So to those who may read this I ask you to give me that, let me grieve, let me move on and let me pick up some small shred of whatever dignity I have left and heal the wounds you left behind.

S

 

The Difference Between Liking to Write & Being a Writer

Keystrokes and Word Counts

Several months ago I started attending meetings of the local writing group at a nearby Barnes and Nobles store.  Two of the members were guys I knew previously from organizing Nanowrimo write ins  this past November.  I was nervous, but excited, to be reading for others and commenting on their work as well. As I kept returning, month after month, I started to realize something about some of my fellow group members.  There were definitely some who were serious about being writers and becoming authors and there were others who just liked to write and perhaps tried to tell others that they are “writers”.

Are you wondering what’s the difference? I will tell you.

A person who likes writing is someone who will start writing a book and never finish it. It’s someone who complains that their edits are never ending but only because they don’t really work on them…

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