There is a large difference in my mind, between pretending to be something you are not and changing your mind. I am often challenged by my real life as well as my online friends. I love when they challenge me, when they push me to see beyond the scope of my own understanding. What confounds me though are the people who straight up pretend to be something they are not.
We all know these people, we all have them in our daily lives. They even have a word for it – “Vampire”.
Historically a Vampire has been referred to as a creature of the night who drank blood and stole the souls of the innocent. In today’s day and age a Vampire is someone that fills another with negativity, that sucks all positive emotion and feeling away from any given person or situation.
A Psychic vampire is someone who goes out of their way to play a victim, they tend to make you think that you are at fault at all times, that nothing they do is wrong. They are abusive but sometimes it is hard to see it as abuse because it rarely leaves physical marks or scars. Through out my life I have dealt with a lot of these types of people and I tend to quickly back away and escape as soon as I possibly can.
I have no time to have negative influences in my life these days – Every day I am learning what my boundaries are, I am learning when it is okay to let someone push them and when it is not okay. Given everything I have been through I have to continue to work these steps to getting healthy and learning to stay strong or I will fail and suffer. Recovery is a long process, and in some cases a never ending one. I feel that this will be a forever situation for me. I never want to stop learning how to better myself because the moment that I stop learning is the moment I cease to exist.
Recently I told someone I loved him, but it wasn’t in that “I love you as a buddy” kind of way, it was in a very personal way and the more I think about it the more I realize I have genuine love for this person. More than I would for a friend, but less than I would for the man I am about to marry (Does that make sense?) In other words, I am learning what it means to love and to be loved. I am learning what it means to let myself trust again and I am learning to trust on one hand while recognize danger with the other.
With purpose every now and then I will look back at the young girl I used to be and I really do not recognize her at all. I have changed so much. A friend of mine gave me a nickname I once swore I’d never repeat but regardless he used to call me “Scrapper” because I was the girl always ready for a fight. I was the girl who would fight anyone and anything just because I was angry and I needed a release.
I look back now and realize I was never tough, I was never scary I was just sad lonely and angry. I don’t feel that way any more.
Recently I ran into an old friend and when we got to talking I mentioned that I am trying to create and cultivate an air of “serenity” in my new life. He laughed not to be rude but because he had never known me to be a peaceful individual. I am finally hitting this point in my life where I recognize I cannot change the past but perhaps I can inspire someone to have hope for the future. Maybe that is why I went through all the abuse, perhaps that is why I suffered the way that I did, so that one day I could say it really does get better.
Here is to Cultivating Serenity.