What do you do when you find out the man who terrorized you, abused you and killed your son is set free? What do you do when the man who victimizes you faces no consequence and no punishment for his crimes?
According to mom you suck it up and move on. The problem is I can’t move on, I cannot let go because I have never had the courage to stand up and speak out about what this man has done, and as it stands now I don’t know who to speak to or what to do. I don’t know who to go to for help or who to ask in terms of why the hell this man is free.
Everyone around me just expects me to put it all away and pretend that I am okay with what happened. Everyone wants me to stop talking about it, stop dealing with it and put a smile on my face. No one wants to hear me complain about it any more and while I understand exactly where they are coming from I have one issue with that:
I can’t live my life for anyone else, and I can’t pretend that I am over what he did to me.
Here is the insane part though: I thought I had three years. I was told I had three years of peace and quiet, of healing time. Three years before I had to see him or think about him. I thought I had three years of time in which I planned to make some attempt to heal from my past. Or at least my past as it relates to him anyways.
I thought that until I saw him walking down the street yesterday. I was on the phone with Nicole when it happened. I saw him walking down the street head down, I don’t know why he looked up but he did. Our eyes met and he looked away as if he couldn’t stand to look at me at all.
Over the years our paths have crossed – we seem to have an odd connection – for some reason he keeps popping in and out of my life…a constant reminder I am never free of my past. I have always regarded him with caution – never sure which side of him I am going to see. 90% of the time it is the dark side I see. What I saw yesterday was a broken shell of a man and all I could feel was total disgust.
This time was easier then the last time. I didn’t go into full trigger mode but I worry about him being in town. I worry that I will run into him on a regular basis and mostly I worry about why a man who is obviously that cruel and awful is free and clear after all the darkness he has released into the world.
I worry too much.
I pray he will stay away from me. Knowing him however I imagine it is just a matter of time until he goes on another rampage and hurts someone else. All he knows how to do is hurt he is after all the Devil.