Fear

burnt dead dry heartFear can be debilitating  it can break you down and make you think that you have nothing to live for and nothing to offer. I recently experienced the consequences of what fear can do to someone you love. They say when you love someone you have to let them go, if they come back to you then it was meant to be.

I have spent a life time of watching people walk out of my life for a variation of reasons, all of which concluding in the idea that they were leaving me behind because it was good for me.

Andy left because he thought we would all be better off without him – Ruben left because he thought I would be safer without him, and well apparently I just can’t keep anyone around.

I don’t know if it is because I am unlovable  I don’t know if it is because I am so awful a person no man can stand to stay with me, unless he’s abusing me, I don’t know if it is because the Gods just hate me. I honestly do not know why it is that everyone I love walks away, thinking it is what is best for me.

In this particular case I know that fear is the culprit  Fear of what could happen, what might happen, what may never happen, it all revolves around fear and ends up the same – I sit here trying to figure out what I did wrong, what I could have done better and being completely at a loss for words.

The reality is that I am in the situation I am in because I risked my heart. I guess that is part of my Aries nature, leap first and ask questions later. Well, I am turning over a new leaf.

I am no longer going to fall for pretty eyes and shy smiles, I am no longer going to believe that when someone says they care about me they are telling the truth – because if there is one thing I have learned in 29 years it is that they are either lying, or will eventually change their mind.

I know this sounds rather bitter but if you asked Kelly she would tell you this is a regular occurrence in my life, there is something about me, something so wrong, so awful and horrible about me, that people come and people go, more so then happens with other people.

Some days I feel like Cupid is deliberately sitting on my shoulder taking the arrow out of men who come my way, instead of putting it in them. Either way I am done with the relationship scene, in 20 years or so I have let to meet a single person who was male, that genuinely wanted to be apart of my life – that was willing in any way to show me that I matter enough to fight for, to challenge and enjoy life with.

The truth is, at the beginning of any affair, I almost immediately begin these days, to wait for the other shoe to drop; Nearly every time I get comfortable, every time I begin to truly trust that perhaps things will work out something happens. Some cruel twist of fate decides that either he isn’t the one or I’m just unworthy, whatever it is.

So I am done.

I am going to focus on my writing, focus on skin n bones, and move on until I die. I won’t take chances like I did this past month again, I won’t trust that when someone says they want to be with me they mean it, because they never do.

You think I am exaggerating  I wish I were. Sadly if anything I am not being truthful enough in terms of the shear volume of people who have used me, abused me and walked away after making promises they realized were too difficult to keep.

While I hold no ill will or feelings of revenge towards them, in fact I wish them all the very best, it is most definitely time for me to move on.

So to those who may read this I ask you to give me that, let me grieve, let me move on and let me pick up some small shred of whatever dignity I have left and heal the wounds you left behind.

S

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s