Fear of love le deux

Beautiful Thing, groundbreaking gay play, to enjoy West End revivalThere are some people out there that are afraid of everything, some that are afraid of nothing and then there are those who are afraid of the irrational, like myself.

For instance I am terrified of the word ‘Beautiful” I cannot hear it without inwardly cringing inside because every time a male counterpart has ever used that word, it usually ended up with me being broken and bruised either physically or emotionally.

I am also afraid of the words “I love you”. I can use them but I take great issue with hearing them, mostly because I haven’t heard them enough in my life.

I suppose that is why the situation I am in currently hurts so much. I am starting to see a pattern in my life that I am finding devastatingly heart breaking.

I no longer go for the bad guy, or the guy who treats me like crap – Instead in the last year or so I have been leaning more toward the men that are very good at convincing the world they are the “good guy”.

Take my New years eve date for instance:

N and I had been friends for the better part of two years, he had seen me through the best and the worst of my recovery and he was the person that kept bringing me back, convincing me to stick it out. 

Finally we decided to go to the New Years NA dance together, as a couple. I was very excited. I got a great outfit, spent a ton getting my hair done, I was thrilled – because not only was I going with someone I respected but genuinely liked. 

The day of the dance he calls me to tell me he isn’t going to make it to dinner, because he’d been up with his son all night long, okay that I can understand. 

During my hair appointment he “lets it slip” that the real reason he wasn’t going to make it to dinner, was because he thought he would be spending the day with his new girlfriend. 

I was shocked hurt and angry and when I expressed this to him his response was “That’s the way the world goes sometimes”…Seriously? I can’t make this shit up. 

In the most recent case of dating and relationship disasters something happened and regardless of the other parties responsibility, I find myself wondering what is wrong with me, wondering why I am not good enough for him. What did I do to make him decide that our relationship was great and all, just not great enough to make work? What could I have done differently?

This is the trouble with self reflection, even when there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome of a given situation, you have already trained yourself to ask the question, “what could I have done better?”

Especially in the case of someone who has a) not been loved enough and b) has seen far too many people walk out of her life.

So the question is what the hell do you do now? When someone you love claims to care about you but isn’t interested in perusing a relationship because of what may or may not happen, what do you do to end the pain and move on with your life in a more positive light filled way?

You cry, you feel sorry for yourself, you eat lots of chocolate and go out for wine filled drinks with friends and then you move on. Once the grieving has stopped you  move on with your life and wait for the next opportunity or go out of your way to find it.

In my particular case I am so used to disappointment and heart break I feel almost guilty for refusing to sit on my ass for the next six months wondering why he didn’t love me enough, as hurt as I am, as much as it stings.

As much as I would love to wallow, I am yet again starting over. I am yet again rebuilding my confidence shred by pathetic shred and I am going to pretend it doesn’t hurt, I am going to “fake it until I make it” because I have come too far to let this break me.

I won’t deny it will hurt for a long time, I can even admit it has pushed me back in my emotional recovery, but it is another lesson learned.

My only fear at this point, is how bitter is this newest hurt going to make me? I pray that I will somehow find the strength not to push people away like I have in the past out of fear. I hope that I can move on from this experience better informed and a little more careful but a little more welcoming to love when it finally does come my way.



2 thoughts on “Fear of love le deux

  1. It is ok to take a break to become the person you want to meet… ❤ It is ok to take time to figure out how to call yourself beautiful. It is ok to take time to figure out how to tell yourself that you love yourself. ❤

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