I am not going to pretend that I am honored to have been nominated by NinjaMatics because lets get real, I nominated myself. I have learned in my life if I want anything, I am going to have to get it myself because no one is going to just say “Wow we love you enough to nominate you for an award” or “your awesome enough that we want to do something for you” because well really no one ever has before.
No one has ever stood up for me, fought for me or worked to get my attention. I have learned that I am one of those people who slips in and out of lives rarely noticed when I’m there and often forgotten before I am gone.
This is not me feeling sorry for myself it just is what it is, it is how it has always been, and probably how it will always be. Friends who have had the true blessing of being brought into my inner circle either don’t realize how important they are to me, or don’t notice that by bringing them into my aforementioned inner circle I am affirming my love of them.
With all that being said it is kind of cool that the judges thought my blog worthy enough to link to, but to be perfectly honest I don’t expect I’ll win. In fact after looking at some of the other writers nominated in the Life Category I pretty much know how it is going to go down, I’m fairly certain of who is going to win (and no this isn’t a please let me win post).
Some of you may read this and begin to think I have little to no confidence in myself, but in reality I just know what I am capable of. I know that I will go on to continue to do great things and I know that those great things will be admired but the person behind the achievement She will go ignored.
Today I was called a Trail Blazer I was told that I do things out of the ordinary and expect nothing in return, this is true. It isn’t because I am a golden heart’ed soul it is because I have lived my life with nothing. That which I have that means anything to me, my camera, my laptop and most importantly my dog are things I earned, things I worked for and continue to work for every day.
No one has ever come up to me and said “hey you there, you deserve this and we love you so here you go” and no one is ever likely to do so.
When I conceived Radio Free Voice that was for myself, it was my way of literally trying to find my voice – I did that. I achieved that goal, I said goodbye and I moved on. There have been talks of bringing it back but it’s unlikely, because it’s already been done, and done better than anyone else could have done it. My numbers proved that within the first six months.
When I came up with Skin n Bones it was two am, and I was bored and angry at the things I was seeing young kids going through, I was pissed off they thought killing themselves was a better idea then trying to find some sense of happiness. I did this, I created this and within just a few weeks there are so many people trying to tear it down and take credit for my work I have to smile to myself.
They say the sincerest form of flattery is imitation well in that case baby I am a fucking Rock Star. I’m the female Gene Simmons in the making, there is no stopping me now.
Okay maybe not quite to that extent, my purpose in life isn’t world monetary domination, its world inspiration or something. I’d like to die and look back knowing I left the world in a better condition when I came into it, I’d like to live my life knowing that people were inspired by my site, my stories and my experience.
I’d like to know that I waded through hell and that it meant something, but chances are high that is never going to happen – that’s okay, I don’t need people to tell me I inspire them. I know it every day when I look up and see how many people are joining the SnBG army. That is enough for me. To know that there are people still being kind to each other, to know that there are people who love each other regardless of race, sexual orientation, creed, religion or sex. I know this because I see it every day when I go to twitter to find inspiration. So thanks for letting me know that I have officially been added to the list of would be winners, but the truth is, I’m already a winner.