There I was, Here I am

Everyone wants to know how I am doing, how do you answer that? How do you say “I opened my heart up and had it thrown in my face”. Some people think that because I never met him it shouldn’t matter. What they don’t understand is that it was never about Him. Not really.

He’s just another spokesperson for why I shy away from all things love.  In other news the wall is back up I’m alive, working hard on Skin n Bones, about to go sue a church in a couple of weeks, life is………Life.

Alright heres an edit because that post wasn’t really fair was it?

I am growing up finally. I am about to turn 30 in a few weeks actually less then two and frankly I am finding that I am not afraid any more.

I am finding myself being more honest with both my friends, my family and even my current lover..if you can call him that. I enjoy spending time with him, we talk alot, we flirt more, we do other things, the things lovers do.

He makes me smile, feel special and he fucks like a god damn bull.

He’s amazing. I am not eagerly awaiting the day he will walk away, or I do but I am certain now that I am putting words down the countdown has begun.

There is a part of me that wants to ask how “He” is, another part that doesn’t care. I realize now whatever his reasons for ruining what we had, what we were beginning and worse what I was allowing myself to feel the way he ended things was wrong. To tell me that I wasn’t worth fighting for, that I was easy to walk away from? That is not an okay way to end things. Not for someone you care about, it was petty and cruel and it was mean. That is okay though, I see it now for what it is. A lonely sad man wanting to hurt someone because he was hurting, fine I get it, moving on.

I am stronger now than I was six months ago, hell three months ago and damn sure stronger then I was the first time I was punched, kicked or worse. In the last few months and even weeks I have become this pearl of wisdom, this fountain of knowledge and I am soaking up more on a daily basis. I feel strong, less confidant but strong. I feel wise, less silly and goofy. I am curious now about people and life and things…maybe it is just spring fever, I don’t know.

What I do know is that birds are singing life is budding all around me and I am excited for what the next few months will bring and take into and from my life.

I apologize for the long absence, I’ll try not to let it happen again.





My Champion

perfect-guy-3I honestly believe that the desire to be with one partner your entire life is a learned behavior, it is the only explanation for the global divorce rate.

Recently during a flirtation I suppose is the best word, I was told that the relationship I was hoping to build would be too difficult to maintain.

Forgetting how much that hurts for a moment, it occurs to me that all relationships take work, if it isn’t distance it’s learning to put up with someone else’s crazy every single day of your life for the next fifty years.

People I know who have been apart of successful marriages tell me that it takes work – that you have to be learn to balance your needs with the needs of your partner and then your family. Some people say you put your partner first, others your children, I think that if you want to be part of a successful couple you have to learn what works best for you and your partner, no one can tell you how to make your relationship work.

Since the last guy I was into unceremoniously told me that our “relationship” if you can call it that, was simply too hard to maintain, I have been putting some serious thought into my past relationships and I have found the pattern, at long last.

It only took me twenty-nine years.

In the past I have dated men who had some or most of the following:

  • Wanted a mother type figure to take care of them – Sorry boys I have enough people to take care of in my life. 
  • Wanted attention -all- the time, no matter who I was with, if I was not 100% focused on the boy, I was doing something wrong.
  • Wanted to control me but didn’t understand how so instead tried to smother me
  • Could say all the right things but couldn’t back up what they were saying
  • Easily and effectively isolated me from my friendships and support group
  • Backed off the moment I got even remotely close or attached to them
  • Did not think I was worth fighting for, or see any value in me as an individual except when it benifited them.

Not one of the men in my past relationships *and by this I mean physical real actually here relationships* has ever done anything remotely romantic for me, and when they did it was always self serving.

You know what I realized tonight? It isn’t me! It really is them! WHAT A RELIEF!

The truth is that I am in every sense of the phrase a Fire Element, which means I am incredibly strong, I mean hell look at everything I’ve been through, all the rapes the sexual assaults, the beatings the emotionally draining torture, I’ve seen and done it all and I am still here. There is very little I can’t handle and yes sometimes I forget that, sometimes I break down and cry and scream and curse the God’s but the truth is I am really truly very strong, however it means that finding a partner is very difficult. For some reason I am attracted to weak men.

Actually that is a misnomer, I know exactly why. Strong as I am, I am also a care taker, I take care of a lot of the people in my every day life, my mom my friends and even people I work with at the church, I spend a great deal of time not focusing on what I need in my life let alone my relationships.

So with all that being said and figured out what is it a woman like me seeks in a man? The answer is actually really simple.

I am looking for a man who can stand up to me, who won’t back down when things get emotional or even scary, a man who can take my bullshit and stand there staring at me and either verbally or silently has the balls to say “okay are you done yet?” I am looking for a man who is my equal partner in every way, and that really is not easy to find.

To me a successful relationship is going to be very much like a dance – where both partners know what to expect from each other. Part of this means that I need to learn to let my guards down and trust a little, but the man who’s going to win my heart and put a ring on my finger is going to think I’m worth sticking around for, he is going to understand that I have been through a lot and that trusting is hard, and he is going to show me with his actions not his words that he isn’t going anywhere.

He is going to smile at me kiss me on the head and say “Stop being stupid, I’m not leaving and your just going to have to suck it up and deal with that”. He is going to understand that I don’t know shit about adult relationships because frankly I’ve been dating boys all this time instead of men.

He is going to be my Champion, my shoulder to cry on and you know what else? He’s not going to take my shit. He’s going to tell me when I am being stupid and know that while I may not like it I’ll respect it. He’s going to have the balls to stand up to me and the heart to let me see when he needs to lean on me for a little.

I’m not just looking for any man, I know this for sure now, I am looking for my soul-mate and he’s out there. I haven’t found him yet but I will because I know that there is nothing about this Fire Element that can settle for less. After everything I have been through I deserve my perfect man, whatever he looks like, however much money he has none of that matters because it’s so much more then “love will see us through” we will work together as a team. I’m waiting for my “Mr. Big” I am Carry Fucking Bradshaw *okay without the fucking cause it’s been that long* but here we go. The Quest for the Champion begins right now.

He’s out there somewhere, and baby I’m ready to rock and roll and find my man.

For the record I know how all this sounds and you know what?! I do not Care!