There I was, Here I am

Everyone wants to know how I am doing, how do you answer that? How do you say “I opened my heart up and had it thrown in my face”. Some people think that because I never met him it shouldn’t matter. What they don’t understand is that it was never about Him. Not really.

He’s just another spokesperson for why I shy away from all things love.  In other news the wall is back up I’m alive, working hard on Skin n Bones, about to go sue a church in a couple of weeks, life is………Life.

Alright heres an edit because that post wasn’t really fair was it?

I am growing up finally. I am about to turn 30 in a few weeks actually less then two and frankly I am finding that I am not afraid any more.

I am finding myself being more honest with both my friends, my family and even my current lover..if you can call him that. I enjoy spending time with him, we talk alot, we flirt more, we do other things, the things lovers do.

He makes me smile, feel special and he fucks like a god damn bull.

He’s amazing. I am not eagerly awaiting the day he will walk away, or I do but I am certain now that I am putting words down the countdown has begun.

There is a part of me that wants to ask how “He” is, another part that doesn’t care. I realize now whatever his reasons for ruining what we had, what we were beginning and worse what I was allowing myself to feel the way he ended things was wrong. To tell me that I wasn’t worth fighting for, that I was easy to walk away from? That is not an okay way to end things. Not for someone you care about, it was petty and cruel and it was mean. That is okay though, I see it now for what it is. A lonely sad man wanting to hurt someone because he was hurting, fine I get it, moving on.

I am stronger now than I was six months ago, hell three months ago and damn sure stronger then I was the first time I was punched, kicked or worse. In the last few months and even weeks I have become this pearl of wisdom, this fountain of knowledge and I am soaking up more on a daily basis. I feel strong, less confidant but strong. I feel wise, less silly and goofy. I am curious now about people and life and things…maybe it is just spring fever, I don’t know.

What I do know is that birds are singing life is budding all around me and I am excited for what the next few months will bring and take into and from my life.

I apologize for the long absence, I’ll try not to let it happen again.

Syn

 

 

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One thought on “There I was, Here I am

  1. Syn, what a lovely, heartfelt post. I’ve only begun blogging for the first time starting six days ago and am learning so much about blogs. But the people who create them are the magic for me. Your wounded heart and upward outlook gives me hope for the species. There’s courage in them thar words. You express yourself beautifully. This post reminds me of something Sidney Poitier once said: “We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists in the loved one perfection. And then we have to deal with the fact that the perfection we’re looking for is nowhere out there, but it’s somewhere inside ourselves.” Peace.

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