That was Then – Love

LOVE3I remember sitting just like the girl in that picture. I remember as a child thinking one day I’d be a famous writer and travel the world, see all the things the world had to offer.

And I remember the day that all changed. I would like to say it was the night I was first molested, but in reality I think it was the night Operation Desert Storm launched. The night I realized the world wasn’t pretty and perfect everywhere. The night I learned my friends parents, brothers and sisters were going off to war.

At the time I didn’t even know what that meant, until some of them didn’t come home. I don’t know if any Canadian Soldiers died during that war but I know plenty of moms and dads who left husbands and wives, but did not return to their homes, at least not as husbands and wives.

That was when I realized that love cannot and does not conquer everything. It would be too much to ask, too much to hope that love can beat out any problem, can fix any hurt. It doesn’t not always.

Tonight I ended something with a very kind and wonderful man. Not because he was bad, but because he just wasn’t…I don’t even know. Maybe it isn’t him at all. Maybe it’s Me.

My friend keeps telling me I need to stop going for the douchebags,  but I don’t think thats the problem.

I think the problem is that I go for the douchebags because I know it isn’t going to work, I expect it to fail because there is as I have always said, comfort in the darkness. Not too long ago I said I was not ready nor did I want a relationship and I stand by that statement, on both counts.

I don’t know how to be a girlfriend, I’ve never had to be before. I’ve always just been the cook, the house cleaner, the child minder, the nurse. Never the lover, the girlfriend or wife. I wonder if there is a secret school girls go to learn these things that I as a woman missed out on, because I just do not know how.

It is strange really, that with all my sexual experience I have no knowledge of how to be a woman. My friend B said that your thirties are for regretting the mistakes of your twenties, My friend Chino however said that her thirties were how she learned to understand herself as a woman.

I hope thats true. That I can understand myself as a woman because I am thirty years old and I still do not know what I want who I want or how to get it.

When it comes to skin and bones, basically I am flying by ear, if it feels good do it. When it comes to relationships I’m like a sixteen year old virgin, staring up having no idea what the big scary man wants from me and what it is I am supposed to give him.

I know that I missed out a lot due to my hiatus as a victim and all that, but really at what point do I get to skip forward to the fun stuff? I’m emotionally tired and I need a vacation. The reason I haven’t been writing is because I have been using RFV to share my thoughts lately, so my dream of becoming a famous writer is on hold. I can deal with that.

My dream of learning to love myself however? that is very much still in play, I just don’t know how to go about it. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. Which is ironic really when you think about it, I spend such a great deal of time telling everyone else how to deal with their problems, and yet me? pfft.

The ironic thing is that a friend is having romantic troubles of her own, so far the only thing I have been able to tell her is “follow your heart”.  I say it but I am not certain I entirely believe that advice.

My heart beats, its there I know it is because I am still alive, and yet I feel nothing, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry but mostly I just feel nothing.

Mostly I sit at my screen silently screaming “get me out of here” working my ass off to make that happen. I’m like the hamster spinning on the wheel, moving every day going as fast as I can but still not getting anywhere, sometimes I don’t move at all, like whalley the dog I just sit and stare at the walls feeling trapped. Feeling guilty for feeling trapped, feeling angry at feeling guilty for feeling trapped.

Chris Evans could get her at any time and make this process go by a whole lot faster. Just Sayin.