On Twitter my user name is LystenClose – and ironically no one ever listens.
I am so damn tired of people saying “oh if only we knew, if only they said something, we had no idea” no you knew, you just didn’t pay attention.
Alot of my life is spent in a cage – moving from one cage to another. I spend every day doing what other people want me to do – I answer their questions I help them I am there for them and at the end of the day the only person I have to count on is me. Do you have any idea how exhausting that is?
This festival is coming up in about 15 hours and I am supposed to be happy and up beat, I will listen to stories of success and failure, I will listen to ppl tell me how someone they know was bullied and killed themselves, or worse…I will do it with a smile on my face because in the last 20 years I learned that if you cant feel it, lie. If you can’t be happy lie to yourself put a smile on your face and the whole world will smile with you.
For the better part of a year I have played the clown online and off and as soon as I show any kind of real emotion, any kind of real pain people back off and walk away.
For the better part of a year I have been fighting not to kill myself. I have been trying to find a reason not to commit suicide, to end it all and to just be free of the pain of always being the shoulder for other people to lean on.
Don’t get me wrong I love what I do I love helping others, but I am in a cage stuck.
This morning I told my mom I loved her, I was ranting to myself about all the things I had to do and just randomly I threw out an I love you mom and her response was “yeah, you only say that when you want something”.
This is a woman who I have cared for, helped at home and work, worked for, and been there for 100%. Everything she has asked of me I have done – more often than not at her office when shes busy people come to me instead of bugging her to ask questions, to find answers. Every day people at HER work place ask ME for advice or suggestions on how to get something done, because they do not want to hassle her.
She doesn’t see this she doesn’t even notice this. It breaks my heart. She lives in this world where she thinks that I treat her like she has nothing to offer me, when in reality all I want is for her to be proud of the person she raised.
I saw her talk to my brother, (who has NEVER been there for her during any surgery, or to help her to the bathroom – who hasn’t so much as lifted a finger to help her since she got sick) with such respect and wonder why the hell I am such a worthless peice of shit.
Why doesn’t this woman who raised me love me, when I have a family of brothers and sisters are dying to meet me? What did I do that was so damn wrong I am unworthy of being loved.
Tonight I yet again defended a friend against a pack of idiots who would rather defend a girl who cried rape falsely then just say hey dude, you got screwed.
I can understand why some women cry rape when there isn’t any – in this particular case the girl wanted to get laid by a famous anon, and so she drove however many miles to the house of a man she had NEVER met and fucked him – then she cried rape so her boyfriend didn’t find out – and everyone is blaiming the boyfriend? What the hell? why is it his fault? Did he hold a gun to her head and tell her to tell the world that my friend is a rapist? Did he threaten her life in some way that we are all unaware of? is she still with the boyfriend? yes, is my friend still defending himself, yes!
and yet here I am a person of worth, a person who would do anything for anyone and I am alone, and you tell me no one gives a shit about what I think or how I feel? Well yeah no shit dipshit why do you think I want to kill myself. I know I won’t I don’t have it in me but I FEEL it none the less.
I want to die. I do not want to be on this earth any more. I am being honest I hate this planet, I hate the people. I hate how we treat each other and the excuses we make for it, I hate that no matter how hard I try it isn’t good enough – I despise that everyone who says they want to change the world only wants to do so as long as it is easy.
Guess what dipshits, changing the world isn’t easy, its a never ending battle and it takes actual work. Sitting on twitter and wondering why people don’t wake up in the world isn’t going to make people wake up. If you want people to wake up get the fuck off your fat lazy video gaming donut stuffing ass and make them listen to you.
but hey no one gives a fuck what I have to say.
I hate this planet.
I feel some days like im bi-polar, happy one minute and sad the next – but I know that isn’t it. I’m not bi-polar. I just feel too much too hard too fast. Im an Aries. Im passionate about everything I do and I do not know how to turn it off. I know I won’t kill myself, just as I know that tomorrow I’ll get up have a time of my life, and on sunday night I know that the work I am about to do will help at least one person.
Yet….no one gives a shit.