I remember very clearly the only thing in my life I ever won was a hockey game – I don’t even like hockey. I think that is why I was so annoyed when I won. I entered the contest so my brother could win it, and it was one of those little table hockey things with the little men and the poker thingys (Shaddap I’m a woman I do football not hockey) in any case I won it and my brother was appropriately annoyed and destroyed it soon after.
This year for the first time ever, I actually entered the Canadian Weblog Awards, and I have to tell you…I want to win.
I never really stopped to think about it, I entered it simply because I thought it would be cool to be nominated (even if I was nominating myself) but you wanna know what I learned? People that say they are proud just to have been nominated? Are full of sheit. I want to win.
I don’t care about prizes I don’t even care about recognition, I’m not even sure that anyone reads this blog. (Seriously does anyone read this blog?) I really really want to win. I want to know that after thirty years of being told I was a failure, of being told I was lazy fat uneducated stupid and worthless someone in the universe thinks the opposite. I want to believe in my heart that although I’ve done good things with RFV and with SNBG, me as a person and my journey has lead to something. Even if it is just a weblog award, okay well to you its a weblog award. To me it is validation.
Not about my writing – no matter how many people tell me I am a good writer I’ll never believe it. I’m a writer, we’re our own worst enemies. No it isn’t about having my words or execution of said words validated. It is about having my life validated. It is about knowing that the jury behind the weblog awards reads my blog and seems to think that the stories I have put here, the journey I’ve lived these last thirty years actually matters.
Which leads me into my “OH ITS AN AHA OHNA MOMENT”.
That is the moment when you realize you have stopped your spiritual growth, stopped all the progress you’ve been making in the “I dont give a fuck catagory” and revert back to the “why won’t you love me” stage. This is not a healthy place to be in of that I am fully aware and yet even still I want to win. I want to win so badly that I will legitimately cry if I do not.
All these months of dealing with other peoples issues and not writing because I just had nothing to say, no words or emotions, no tidbits of wisdom and scholarly advice to give and now I’m kicking myself because it’s almost over.
Now as usual I didn’t spend any time thinking about the criteria for winning until about three seconds ago:
- Usability and accessibility — Is the website user-friendly and easy to navigate for people of all abilities? CHECK!
- Functionality — Do all of its components function properly? CHECK!
- Interactivity — Are a comments section and author contact information available? Are its interactive components (including comments, audio, video, etc.) effective and functional? CHECK!
- Aesthetics — Is the website pleasing to look at? Is its design original?….No but hey it’s halloween and I’m a witch, this should be fine, right?
- Originality — Is the content original and creatively expressed? I should hope so since the entire blog is about my soul.
- Intelligibility and clarity — Is the content well-written? Are the content’s messages clearly and effectively delivered? see answer above.
- Currency — Is the content timely? Is the weblog updated on a regular basis?…..aw crap okay no but I’ve had a busy life rasing a kid that isn’t mine watching her move out and being sick while at the same time realizing some of my friends are raging bags of evil hormonal evilness….thats a good excuse right?
- Transparency and authenticity — Is the author’s purpose and realness both trusted and apparent? Oh I think so because the author is an angel who never makes mistakes lies and is absolutely………….yeah it’s good yo.
- Attention to detail — Has the content been edited for spelling and grammatical errors? Is the content arranged for ease of consumption?……..insert -_- face here.
- Engagingness — Is the content interesting? Does it contain broad appeal within its genre?….
Okay so maybe it’s okay to just be nominated. I remember once a friend telling me “if you really really want something don’t hope for it or it won’t happen” to this day thirty years later that is still the stupidest advice I’ve ever been given in my life. I think if you really want something you should hope for it, work for it and yes pray and wish and dance under the rain until it happens, and for all those that do read this blog know this….I’m really sorry I haven’t put as much energy into this blog as I should and yeah I have trouble keeping it updated and multitasking but as I write this I have come to a realization…….I really really want to win.