Life after Pain

Last week I had the opportunity to go to support a family friend who also happens to be rather “important” for our local Political scene. (To protect their identity I will not name him of course). He confided that if he had to do any more of these political parties he was genuinely afraid he’d turn into an alcoholic. If you’ve ever been to these fancy shindigs with the fancy food and the people all postering to get attention, you’ll understand alcohol plays a big part in these events.

It turns out his words were rather fortuitous, not for him mind you for me. Recently I have been in so much pain that I have been popping morphine and tylenol like it is candy.

While it has (sort of) been helping with the pain I have a huge fear of what is to come next.

I’ve been careful (enough) to make sure that I don’t take enough to kill myself or anything, and I’ve been checking in with my support group – but part of me wonders…how much of this pain is real and how much is imagined because my body and spirit are so used to the drugs they do not want to give them up?

I’ve already been through this once. I ended up having a serious problem with drugs and alcohol – and while that was very much emotional and less physical I spent a lot of my life refusing to take pills unless absolutely necessary.

I work very hard to protect myself from addiction, I work incredibly hard to defend myself from these demons. Yet I wonder what will life be like when I am no longer all on these killers?

After this (I hope) the only medication I will need to take will be for my menstrual pain. (Naproxen) What if it isn’t tho? What if I have set myself up for failure after three long years of serious hard work? What will I do then?

Well I have a plan for that too…I’m just going to need some help making it happen. Many people in my position wouldn’t bother doing the groundwork but I have seen too many friends die because of this disease and I refuse to be another statistic. I’ve come this far right? So it may be hard but it’s going to be worth it in the end.

 

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One thought on “Life after Pain

  1. I understand this fear. I truly do.

    Like you, I try to only take medication when absolutely necessary but some days the pain takes over the fear and I spend weeks worrying if I will ever be able to be free.

    The habit of taking them before bed for fear of not being able to sleep once the pain sneaks up. But the pain is not bad enough to warrant such medications, not yet anyway…

    Anywhoodle, enough about me. I can tell by this post that your fears are ungrounded and you are amazing.

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