Life after Pain, Pt deux

success3So it is now two days after my surgery and I’m really surprised at my reactionary response. My life hasn’t changed all that much I mean I had some bad teeth removed, it isn’t exactly life altering. My worry was never about how I would look (I look exactly the same by the way). It was more about what am I going to do when I no longer need to take morphine and drink myself to sleep to deal with the pain…honestly? I feel really good considering.

One friend who I confided my fear of taking morphine said to me “you are a drug addict what the hell are they doing prescribing you morphine for?” I  explained to her that it wasn’t exactly fun for me and that I was afraid of how I’d react but that I was being careful. As I look back at that conversation I realize I take great offense. First off I am not a drug addict, I am a person who at one point in her life had a problem with drugs and alcohol. I am no longer that person any more .

I am a strong wise Ohna Finder, who has worked to deal with the issues that led her to using drugs and alcohol. Don’t get me wrong I am in pain, or rather discomfort, nothing like I was before. I do not reach for anything stronger than Tylenol nighttime or ibuprofen however. I do not go running to the ER because hey it isn’t that bad.

As I write this I am shaky as hell but that comes from having downed a starbucks double shot, not from the need for drugs. I was really worried that after all the alcohol I was drinking and the pills I was taking I’d be in a state of discontent and would return to my desire to pop pills the truth is I am now in a state where I take my prescribed medication only and exactly as prescribed. I worked very hard to get to this point and I am proud of myself for not only coming as far as I have but realizing it too, and to be frankly honest, I am ashamed of my friend for having such little confidence in me. Those who know me, should know by now I can do anything I put my mind to and nothing and no one is going to stop me.

I know I still need to discuss my hurt feelings with my friend, but I also know she was just worried about me, but by the same token I can’t help but wonder if she was so worried…..why hasn’t she called to see how I am doing?

What about you? Have you recently dealt with someone not believing in you? How did you handle it?

S

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Life after Pain

Last week I had the opportunity to go to support a family friend who also happens to be rather “important” for our local Political scene. (To protect their identity I will not name him of course). He confided that if he had to do any more of these political parties he was genuinely afraid he’d turn into an alcoholic. If you’ve ever been to these fancy shindigs with the fancy food and the people all postering to get attention, you’ll understand alcohol plays a big part in these events.

It turns out his words were rather fortuitous, not for him mind you for me. Recently I have been in so much pain that I have been popping morphine and tylenol like it is candy.

While it has (sort of) been helping with the pain I have a huge fear of what is to come next.

I’ve been careful (enough) to make sure that I don’t take enough to kill myself or anything, and I’ve been checking in with my support group – but part of me wonders…how much of this pain is real and how much is imagined because my body and spirit are so used to the drugs they do not want to give them up?

I’ve already been through this once. I ended up having a serious problem with drugs and alcohol – and while that was very much emotional and less physical I spent a lot of my life refusing to take pills unless absolutely necessary.

I work very hard to protect myself from addiction, I work incredibly hard to defend myself from these demons. Yet I wonder what will life be like when I am no longer all on these killers?

After this (I hope) the only medication I will need to take will be for my menstrual pain. (Naproxen) What if it isn’t tho? What if I have set myself up for failure after three long years of serious hard work? What will I do then?

Well I have a plan for that too…I’m just going to need some help making it happen. Many people in my position wouldn’t bother doing the groundwork but I have seen too many friends die because of this disease and I refuse to be another statistic. I’ve come this far right? So it may be hard but it’s going to be worth it in the end.

 

Today may not be a good one

 

This is how I feel today. I was going to write a beautiful blog post about these two amazing bloggers I found, and I promise I’ll do it sick babylater mom, but right now I am going to curl up in bed, hope to god my wisdom tooth behaves for a few more hours until I can go see my damn doctor, and get some sleep. Good night lovies.

Success, isn’t what you see

Whoopi: I know you want to sing. See. I love to sing. Nothing makes me happier.I either wanted to be a singer or the head of the Ice Capades. Hey. Do you know who the Ice Capades are? Don’t roll your eyes. They were very cool. I went to my mother who gave me this book…called Letters To A Young Poet. Rainer Maria RilkeHe’s a fabulous writer. A fellow used to write to him and say: “I want to be a writer. Please read my stuff.” And Rilke says to this guy: “Don’t ask me about being a writer. lf when you wake up in the morning you can think of nothing but writing…then you’re a writer.”I’m gonna say the same thing to you. If you wake up in the mornin’ and you can’t think of anything but singin’ first…then you’re supposed to be a singer. 

~Sister Act 2

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Bye Bye Redneck Mommy

rnwThere is something about October that always makes me just a little more grateful. I think it’s because I’m a witch and so for us October is all about the harvest; For Witches Halloween is when we light candles for those who have left us and we remember the good times.

Now lately I have been writing about those in my life that I am grateful for, people I’ve met online that have truly meant something to me or inspired me in some way. I’d like to continue that I think, because it seems as good as a time as any.

I want to tell you all about Tanis Miller. Tannis for those of you not in the know used to write the very famous “Tales From the Redneck Mommy”. She was actually one of the very first bloggers I’d ever read and more importantly she’s from Alberta like me. So I mean lets face it, instant love. Continue reading

75th Post, Honoring the Warden

Seventy five for me is a huge amount of commitment. Whether it’s seventy five posts, weeks years or minutes it is a big number, and kind of scary.

When I was thinking about this post I was literally just going to write about my friend Barrie and his amazing bride to be Robyn, but searching for inspiration I found a comment posted by this amazing man who I have known since I was thirteen.

In order to explain his awesomeness, I need to take you back to when I was thirteen.

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When the Universe Speaks, You should probably listen

I’d have to look but I am pretty sure I’ve written about this website before. Either way it’s called “Notes From the Universe“. It is one of those self-help websites, but unlike most sites that only offer you the chance to buy tools to help you succeed for $19.95 tut actually overs real world advice for free, and has an entire community of people to lean on.

Those of you who’ve been reading FO for long period’s of time know full well that I am not much of a joiner. However I found this site via my lovely momma love, and I must admit I adore it. I love getting the Universal notes that come three to five times a week and I love even more that every time I get one, it’s exactly what I need to hear.

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