That was Then – Love

I remember sitting just like the girl in that picture. I remember as a child thinking one day I’d be a famous writer and travel the world, see all the things the world had to offer.

And I remember the day that all changed. I would like to say it was the night I was first molested, but in reality I think it was the night Operation Desert Storm launched. The night I realized the world wasn’t pretty and perfect everywhere. The night I learned my friends parents, brothers and sisters were going off to war.

At the time I didn’t even know what that meant, until some of them didn’t come home. I don’t know if any Canadian Soldiers died during that war but I know plenty of moms and dads who left husbands and wives, but did not return to their homes, at least not as husbands and wives.

That was when I realized that love cannot and does not conquer everything. It would be too much to ask, too much to hope that love can beat out any problem, can fix any hurt. It doesn’t not always.

Tonight I ended something with a very kind and wonderful man. Not because he was bad, but because he just wasn’t…I don’t even know. Maybe it isn’t him at all. Maybe it’s Me.

My friend keeps telling me I need to stop going for the douchebags,  but I don’t think thats the problem.

I think the problem is that I go for the douchebags because I know it isn’t going to work, I expect it to fail because there is as I have always said, comfort in the darkness. Not too long ago I said I was not ready nor did I want a relationship and I stand by that statement, on both counts.

I don’t know how to be a girlfriend, I’ve never had to be before. I’ve always just been the cook, the house cleaner, the child minder, the nurse. Never the lover, the girlfriend or wife. I wonder if there is a secret school girls go to learn these things that I as a woman missed out on, because I just do not know how.

It is strange really, that with all my sexual experience I have no knowledge of how to be a woman. My friend B said that your thirties are for regretting the mistakes of your twenties, My friend Chino however said that her thirties were how she learned to understand herself as a woman.

I hope thats true. That I can understand myself as a woman because I am thirty years old and I still do not know what I want who I want or how to get it.

When it comes to skin and bones, basically I am flying by ear, if it feels good do it. When it comes to relationships I’m like a sixteen year old virgin, staring up having no idea what the big scary man wants from me and what it is I am supposed to give him.

I know that I missed out a lot due to my hiatus as a victim and all that, but really at what point do I get to skip forward to the fun stuff? I’m emotionally tired and I need a vacation. The reason I haven’t been writing is because I have been using RFV to share my thoughts lately, so my dream of becoming a famous writer is on hold. I can deal with that.

My dream of learning to love myself however? that is very much still in play, I just don’t know how to go about it. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. Which is ironic really when you think about it, I spend such a great deal of time telling everyone else how to deal with their problems, and yet me? pfft.

The ironic thing is that a friend is having romantic troubles of her own, so far the only thing I have been able to tell her is “follow your heart”.  I say it but I am not certain I entirely believe that advice.

My heart beats, its there I know it is because I am still alive, and yet I feel nothing, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry but mostly I just feel nothing.

Mostly I sit at my screen silently screaming “get me out of here” working my ass off to make that happen. I’m like the hamster spinning on the wheel, moving every day going as fast as I can but still not getting anywhere, sometimes I don’t move at all, like whalley the dog I just sit and stare at the walls feeling trapped. Feeling guilty for feeling trapped, feeling angry at feeling guilty for feeling trapped.

Chris Evans could get her at any time and make this process go by a whole lot faster. Just Sayin.

Syn

For the first time in I am not sure how long I realize that being “alone” is not the same as being lonely. Added to that I am recognizing that I am really only lonely when I make the choice to be.

A few years ago my very good friend Chloe and I had a huge fight, it was the biggest fight I’d ever had with a friend. Recently I set out deliberately to find her, because although things had not been smooth between us for many years I am starting to know the difference between best friends and true friends. It sounds so strange to say that, at thirty years old. The truth is true friends are not always the ones you are the closest to, and best friends are most certainly not the ones you would always call a true friend. Chloe falls into the middle of that, she is both my best friend and my closest friends. With her I have no shame, no fear and no secrets.

It was Chloe that I was discussing relationships with a few weeks ago, she told me to “Be better bait” which at first I didn’t understand. Until she explained.

If you set out deliberately trying to find love it will always confound you and you will take whatever comes along just so you are no longer lonely  If you live your life and wait for the one who is willing to chase you, who sees your worth and wants you in his life then you will have found what you were looking for.

Right now I can honestly say I am not looking for a relationship (I think I’ve said this before but I am pretty sure I was full of shit. ) I’m really not this time. With everything going on with skin n bones I don’t have time to date. When summer comes and we begin the process of finding models and working on the calendar and the other juicy projects I can’t wait to dig in on, I’d rather be lonely by myself than be in an relationship and be alone.

My birthday is in four days and I have to tell you…I’m not that excited. I always was in the past, I’d get crazy excited about my birthday and hope to be surrounded by people who loved me, instead I ended up surrounded by people who were mostly drunk and annoying.

This year probably will be different, because I’ll have celebrations with friends and family. Skin n Bones is throwing me a party which is cool, but I’m more excited to chill with my friends then worry about what I’m going to get.

Thats another thing, everyone keeps asking me what I want for my birthday -sigh- what I want is to not be turning 30, to have something to show for all these years on this earth. I would like to own a house and know that my mother and my brother are taken care of. I’d like a yard for my dog to run in, and thats it.

In the past I wanted cars, money clothes, whatever “things” I could get my hands on, maybe I’m maturing but seriously theres only so much crap you can stuff into a place before your just sick of seeing crap. I should know my mother has a museums worth of shoes.

All I want this year is to hang with some friends, have a good laugh and enjoy the night. So thats it thats whats up this week. A new lesson learned and yet another piece of the puzzle in finding the Ohna.

 

S