When the universe Speaks, It Screams

Aries Horoscope Today: Your heart will point you in the right direction today and if you are smart you won’t ask questions, you will just go where it tells you to go. Relationships are under excellent stars, so tell someone you love them.

Today was a crazy day, I had to go see my doctor today to get my morphine refill – we talked for awhile, and when I headed out I went over to a local store to buy a few things, but none of that is the important stuff;

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My Best Friends Wedding

My best friend is getting married.

booThose words are still weird, but not in a bad way, more in a holy shit my best friend has grown up!

I’m so excited for him and for his lovely woman Robyn, unfortunately I won’t be able to attend the wedding but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about the speech I would have given at my best friends wedding. (Sorry I had to) Continue reading

Ecco

192998_1161695118_largeIn Greek mythology Echo was a wood nymph who loved a youth by the name of Narcissus. He was a beautiful creature loved by many but Narcissus loved no one. He enjoyed attention, praise and envy. In Narcissus’ eyes nobody matched him and as such he considered none were worthy of him.

Echo’s passion for Narcissus was equaled only by her passion for talking as she always had to have the last word. One day she enabled the escape of the goddess Juno’s adulterous husband by engaging Juno in conversation. On finding out Echo’s treachery Juno cursed Echo by removing her voice with the exception that she could only speak that which was spoken to her.

Echo often waited in the woods to see Narcissus hoping for a chance to be noticed. One day as she lingered in the bushes he heard her footsteps and called out “Who’s here?” Echo replied “Here!” Narcissus called again “Come”, Echo replied “Come!”. Narcissus called once more “Why do you shun me?… Let us join one another.” Echo was overjoyed that Narcissus had asked her to join him. She longed to tell him who she was and of all the love she had for him in her heart but she could not speak. She ran towards him and threw herself upon him.

Narcissus became angry “Hands off! I would rather die than you should have me!” and threw Echo to the ground. Echo left the woods a ruin, her heart broken. Ashamed she ran away to live in the mountains yearning for a love that would never be returned. The grief killed her. Her body became one with the mountain stone. All that remained was her voice which replied in kind when others spoke.

Narcissus continued to attract many nymphs all of whom he briefly entertained before scorning and refusing them. The gods grew tired of his behaviour and cursed Narcissus. They wanted him to know what it felt like to love and never be loved. They made it so there was only one whom he would love, someone who was not real and could never love him back.

One day whilst out enjoying the sunshine Narcissus came upon a pool of water. As he gazed into it he caught a glimpse of what he thought was a beautiful water spirit. He did not recognise his own reflection and was immediately enamoured. Narcissus bent down his head to kiss the vision. As he did so the reflection mimicked his actions. Taking this as a sign of reciprocation Narcissus reached into the pool to draw the water spirit to him. The water displaced and the vision was gone. He panicked, where had his love gone? When the water became calm the water spirit returned. “Why, beautiful being, do you shun me? Surely my face is not one to repel you. The nymphs love me, and you yourself look not indifferent upon me. When I stretch forth my arms you do the same; and you smile upon me and answer my beckonings with the like.” Again he reached out and again his love disappeared. Frightened to touch the water Narcissus lay still by the pool gazing in to the eyes of his vision.

He cried in frustration. As he did so Echo also cried. He did not move, he did not eat or drink, he only suffered. As he pined he became gaunt loosing his beauty. The nymphs that loved him pleaded with him to come away from the pool. As they did so Echo also pleaded with him. He was transfixed; he wanted to stay there forever. Narcissus like Echo died with grief. His body disappeared and where his body once lay a flower grew in it’s place. The nymphs mourned his death and as they mourned Echo also mourned.

Today I am learning that I have to let go of some things, and some people that I love and adore and care about very much. Not because they have done me wrong, or because they are awful people. I have to let them go because for all these years that I thought I was searching for love. In reality what I was doing was convincing that love and sex are exactly the same thing. In the last three days I have been an emotional wreck, because I am starting to unwillingly pull back more and more layers of myself. I am taking this deep long hard look at myself and not really liking what I see.

My fear of turning 30 does not stem from what I have not done or seen or built, but instead what I have done, to myself emotionally and spiritually.

I met this man recently, much older than myself and without realizing it I found a kindred spirit. Without planning to I started to take a long hard look at him and the kind of woman he deserves and I realized that I very much wanted to be that woman. I very much wanted to be the woman he held at night, and kissed in the morning, and I realized I was more scared than I have ever been before.

I am not certain that I can be that woman, not yet maybe not ever. What I do know is that like Ecco until I learn to stop talking, to be silent, to look at what I am doing to myself, to my life, until I learn to love myself first I can never truly let a man love me.

Over the last 30 years I have been burned, held over a roof and raped so many times I cannot count, and every time I think the puzzle of Ohna is almost complete I look further and realize there is more to the puzzle.

Right now my focus is on trying to love myself without sex. I haven’t had sex with a man in two years, but masturbation and cybersex are two things I have never lived without even phone sex with good friends or the occasional fondling with a good buddy.

All my life I used my vagina to feel good about myself, as long as men wanted to sleep with me then I mattered, then I belonged.  I have always heard the phrase “look within before you look without” I have not ever done that because looking within means dealing with shit that is scary and rough to get past.

When a man tells me I am beautiful I suddenly turn away my walls go up. Every man I have ever been with has told me that I am beautiful, I am only beautiful while they are inside of me. When that part is over they cannot wait to rush away.

Not too long ago, I stopped looking at myself, I let myself believe that I was not worth fighting for, that I was not worth loving because that is what was told to me. I felt that I had been slapped when I heard that. No one had ever said something so awful to me before, and while I know the intent to hurt was not meant, and the way I took it not intended, it hurt none the less. Now I have to do some more work and go back to square one. Take the time to remove the walls a little more and remember that was 1 person’s way of lashing out because……he chose to lash out.

I hope that I get through this okay because for the first time in my life I am really afraid about what I am about to pull out of my own personal Pandora’s Box. Here’s to the next phase of my life.

Syn

The power of Choice

The thing about being lonely is that it does not go away unless you make the choice to fight it.

Like any demon; fear hatred hurt sadness regret suffering pain, you have to pick up your sword and find a way to fight it. The trick about these emotional demons is that they often convince you that you have no way out, no escape, that you are not strong enough to fight them.

When I think about my recovery I realize more and more that I am in a sense fighting these emotional demons who have for so long convinced me that I deserve to suffer, to be punished for crimes I have not committed.

 

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”

~Franklin D Roosevelt

 

A lot of people in my former recovery group have told me “people in recovery are sick” but they never understand how to finish the sentence. “People in recovery are sick until they realize they need to stop worrying about picking up the bottle and start learning to pick up the sword

Everyone I know in recovery is convinced that as long as you do not pick up, you can say your sober your healthy, your cured.

It is so much deeper than that, it is so much more complex then refusing to pick up a pill or a drink, it is about focusing on what it is that makes you want to pick up – peeling back the layers and seeing the demon for what it is.

So now that you know what it is you are actually fighting, you have two choices;

You can sit on your ass, whine and cry about how much your life sucks, or alternatively you can get up and do something about it.

“If you want to be somebody,

If you want to go somewhere,

You Better Wake Up and Pay Attention”

One of the other things we learn in recovery is that if you ever want your life to be better you have to live it for others, you get out of the Universe what you put into it. If you want to have a happy healthy life, then you have to actually work to make that happen and it should not be about making money and getting through the day.

You have to find something you are passionate about that helps other people – if I’ve learned anything in the last five years this is the most important lesson I can pass on.

“Never start a project with the idea of making money,

Start it with a desire to change the world.”

I want to leave the world in better condition then when I came into it. So many of us think that way but few of us have the courage to take action to make that happen. The world is filled with people who live and who die, and do very little in between those two occasions. You can decide to be lonely for the rest of your life, or you can find something you are passionate about and see where that road takes you.

The lesson of the day isn’t about inspiring you to do something to help others, its about showing you that through helping others you can help yourself.

Today’s lesson is simple: Choose! Make a choice, and be ready to live with the consequences, because the only thing that we have in this entire world that matters, that means anything, is Freedom Of Choice, The Power of Choice

Here is to hoping that you choose well.

S

 

 

Loving a Broken Woman

At the moment I am watching “Why did I get Married Too?” Which is the second installment in the “Why did I get Married” series. It is a beautiful story of four couples learning that the work in a relationship does not end after the wedding.

In my post “Sleeping with the Enemy” I talked about my disastrous relationship with a man who would turn out to be a pedophile. While it is true he was the first boyfriend, he was not the only man I have been with.

I have time and time again gone for the same man. I have gone for the guy who liked power, who liked to manipulate anyone and everyone into doing their bidding.

On Friday night my friend sent me a text to tell me he had a man for me to meet. Everything inside of me shriveled because I know I am not ready to date. At least not until I deal with what is going on inside my head, until I bury my past once and for all.

The truth is that after every bad man I have instead of dealing with the pain they left, moved on to another hoping he would be the conquering hero to “save me”. It is only recently I decided to learn how to save myself.

It is only recently I decided I did not need a man to be happy, to be healthy and strong.

With that being said I feel I should recognize something that few people admit. It is incredibly hard to be with a good strong man after being with a bad weak one. It is so difficult not to take all your preconceived notions and not place them into your current relationship. It is so hard to learn to trust someone who is genuinely good when you are constantly expecting the worst, but I think that even more so it is difficult for the man to be with a good woman who has been so badly abused.

When a good man who has always treated women with great respect finds himself caring for a woman who has been broken and bruised he may or may not understand why she is so afraid. Why she is so un-trusting. He can become bitter and angry, hurt and this can put a strain on the relationship.

This is where the art of the balancing act comes in. The broken woman must learn that not every man is going to hit, scream or yell, not every man is going to batter and abuse.

The good man must learn that it is going to take time for those wounds to heal, and he must be willing to be patient.

Both partners must learn to discuss and keep open communication flowing or all will be destroyed.

“Yeah yeah Syn your single what do you know” Ha! My friends I have chased away more good men then I care to count. I know what I am talking about.

A wise man once said “First Deal with head, then deal with heart” and no truer words have ever been uttered.

Good luck with the dating scene friends.

S

 

 

Death of an innocent

She lived a life of addiction. She was older, often ignored and toothless. Going through life begging for change to get her new high, her mind long destroyed by drugs, abuse and who knows what else. She was quiet sweet and annoying, but she was innocent. A Victim of her addiction, she lived a life of no hope because for her there was no hope.

A few nights ago she was tied to a tree, beaten, sodomized, her eyes had been scratched out of her head, and she was left to die chained to a tree for all to see, as a warning to those on the street. 

There was no hope for her, no help. Either no one heard her screams or no one cared. I remember her, I didn’t particularly like her – I can own that. I can own that I didn’t do much to help her, I knew that she was going to die and for years I walked by ignoring her refusing to acknowledge her. She asked for nothing ever except money for drugs. She could barely speak.

She was not perfect, but she was a human being. Now like so many before she is nothing more than a statistic.

No one knows for sure if she is dead or laying in a coma, but the one true thing I can say about this woman is that at least now she is no longer suffering. If she makes it out she will be blind, and traumatized forever, but at least she will no longer be addicted. If she is dead, then I pray she is at peace. Either way her suffering at least physically is currently at an end.

There is something terrifying happening in the streets of my city. People have always lived here, raised their children here, done their drugs and their crime and died here, but something very scary is happening more so than ever.

There is a drug war going on and it is not silent any more. The dealers no longer care if their bag boys are busted, there are always more where the first batch came from.

The money is too good of a draw to convince people to stay clean and sober, to stay out of that world. Every single day for the last few years we have heard of beatings and murders, but this is not just murder any more. It is not enough to take a life any more, you must – if you are apart of that world – make an example of those you hunt.

You must humiliate, torture and make an example of your victims.

Tonight I sit here, thinking about that woman. I think about the number of times I got lucky, I never went into addiction that way. For me drugs and alcohol weren’t a problem, it was ignorance and escapism.

I thank the Goddess that I am free of that world – that I am not looking over my shoulder the way I used to. Make no mistake however, I still look over my shoulder.

I still check to see if a crazed criminal is coming my way, or if I am about to be caught in a cross fire. I worry about being home alone at night, I worry about whether or not I am going to be grabbed and raped like another woman a few weeks ago.

I worry about serial killers, rapers and beaters because now these are issues that we have to deal with in this city. I am angry because the Mayor is not addressing these issues, neither are the papers or the televised news.

I worry that we will have another pickton to worry about because people are not aware of what is going on or why it is going on.

I am angry that those with money are now trying to push homeless and addicts, single parent families out of this city so that they will turn into someone elses problem, instead of doing what they should in order to protect those that are here.

I am angry that I am seeing scared cops turning into angry cops. I am angry and for all my inspiring words about standing up for what you believe in, raising your voice when you see something wrong, no one is listening.

S