When the universe Speaks, It Screams

Aries Horoscope Today: Your heart will point you in the right direction today and if you are smart you won’t ask questions, you will just go where it tells you to go. Relationships are under excellent stars, so tell someone you love them.

Today was a crazy day, I had to go see my doctor today to get my morphine refill – we talked for awhile, and when I headed out I went over to a local store to buy a few things, but none of that is the important stuff;

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Ecco

192998_1161695118_largeIn Greek mythology Echo was a wood nymph who loved a youth by the name of Narcissus. He was a beautiful creature loved by many but Narcissus loved no one. He enjoyed attention, praise and envy. In Narcissus’ eyes nobody matched him and as such he considered none were worthy of him.

Echo’s passion for Narcissus was equaled only by her passion for talking as she always had to have the last word. One day she enabled the escape of the goddess Juno’s adulterous husband by engaging Juno in conversation. On finding out Echo’s treachery Juno cursed Echo by removing her voice with the exception that she could only speak that which was spoken to her.

Echo often waited in the woods to see Narcissus hoping for a chance to be noticed. One day as she lingered in the bushes he heard her footsteps and called out “Who’s here?” Echo replied “Here!” Narcissus called again “Come”, Echo replied “Come!”. Narcissus called once more “Why do you shun me?… Let us join one another.” Echo was overjoyed that Narcissus had asked her to join him. She longed to tell him who she was and of all the love she had for him in her heart but she could not speak. She ran towards him and threw herself upon him.

Narcissus became angry “Hands off! I would rather die than you should have me!” and threw Echo to the ground. Echo left the woods a ruin, her heart broken. Ashamed she ran away to live in the mountains yearning for a love that would never be returned. The grief killed her. Her body became one with the mountain stone. All that remained was her voice which replied in kind when others spoke.

Narcissus continued to attract many nymphs all of whom he briefly entertained before scorning and refusing them. The gods grew tired of his behaviour and cursed Narcissus. They wanted him to know what it felt like to love and never be loved. They made it so there was only one whom he would love, someone who was not real and could never love him back.

One day whilst out enjoying the sunshine Narcissus came upon a pool of water. As he gazed into it he caught a glimpse of what he thought was a beautiful water spirit. He did not recognise his own reflection and was immediately enamoured. Narcissus bent down his head to kiss the vision. As he did so the reflection mimicked his actions. Taking this as a sign of reciprocation Narcissus reached into the pool to draw the water spirit to him. The water displaced and the vision was gone. He panicked, where had his love gone? When the water became calm the water spirit returned. “Why, beautiful being, do you shun me? Surely my face is not one to repel you. The nymphs love me, and you yourself look not indifferent upon me. When I stretch forth my arms you do the same; and you smile upon me and answer my beckonings with the like.” Again he reached out and again his love disappeared. Frightened to touch the water Narcissus lay still by the pool gazing in to the eyes of his vision.

He cried in frustration. As he did so Echo also cried. He did not move, he did not eat or drink, he only suffered. As he pined he became gaunt loosing his beauty. The nymphs that loved him pleaded with him to come away from the pool. As they did so Echo also pleaded with him. He was transfixed; he wanted to stay there forever. Narcissus like Echo died with grief. His body disappeared and where his body once lay a flower grew in it’s place. The nymphs mourned his death and as they mourned Echo also mourned.

Today I am learning that I have to let go of some things, and some people that I love and adore and care about very much. Not because they have done me wrong, or because they are awful people. I have to let them go because for all these years that I thought I was searching for love. In reality what I was doing was convincing that love and sex are exactly the same thing. In the last three days I have been an emotional wreck, because I am starting to unwillingly pull back more and more layers of myself. I am taking this deep long hard look at myself and not really liking what I see.

My fear of turning 30 does not stem from what I have not done or seen or built, but instead what I have done, to myself emotionally and spiritually.

I met this man recently, much older than myself and without realizing it I found a kindred spirit. Without planning to I started to take a long hard look at him and the kind of woman he deserves and I realized that I very much wanted to be that woman. I very much wanted to be the woman he held at night, and kissed in the morning, and I realized I was more scared than I have ever been before.

I am not certain that I can be that woman, not yet maybe not ever. What I do know is that like Ecco until I learn to stop talking, to be silent, to look at what I am doing to myself, to my life, until I learn to love myself first I can never truly let a man love me.

Over the last 30 years I have been burned, held over a roof and raped so many times I cannot count, and every time I think the puzzle of Ohna is almost complete I look further and realize there is more to the puzzle.

Right now my focus is on trying to love myself without sex. I haven’t had sex with a man in two years, but masturbation and cybersex are two things I have never lived without even phone sex with good friends or the occasional fondling with a good buddy.

All my life I used my vagina to feel good about myself, as long as men wanted to sleep with me then I mattered, then I belonged.  I have always heard the phrase “look within before you look without” I have not ever done that because looking within means dealing with shit that is scary and rough to get past.

When a man tells me I am beautiful I suddenly turn away my walls go up. Every man I have ever been with has told me that I am beautiful, I am only beautiful while they are inside of me. When that part is over they cannot wait to rush away.

Not too long ago, I stopped looking at myself, I let myself believe that I was not worth fighting for, that I was not worth loving because that is what was told to me. I felt that I had been slapped when I heard that. No one had ever said something so awful to me before, and while I know the intent to hurt was not meant, and the way I took it not intended, it hurt none the less. Now I have to do some more work and go back to square one. Take the time to remove the walls a little more and remember that was 1 person’s way of lashing out because……he chose to lash out.

I hope that I get through this okay because for the first time in my life I am really afraid about what I am about to pull out of my own personal Pandora’s Box. Here’s to the next phase of my life.

Syn

Life

bannerfans_6411234I am not going to pretend that I am honored to have been nominated by NinjaMatics because lets get real, I nominated myself. I have learned in my life if I want anything, I am going to have to get it myself because no one is going to just say “Wow we love you enough to nominate you for an award” or “your awesome enough that we want to do something for you” because well really no one ever has before.

No one has ever stood up for me, fought for me or worked to get my attention. I have learned that I am one of those people who slips in and out of lives rarely noticed when I’m there and often forgotten before I am gone.

This is not me feeling sorry for myself it just is what it is, it is how it has always been, and probably how it will always be. Friends who have had the true blessing of being brought into my inner circle either don’t realize how important they are to me, or don’t notice that by bringing them into my aforementioned inner circle I am affirming my love of them.

With all that being said it is kind of cool that the judges thought my blog worthy enough to link to, but to be perfectly honest I don’t expect I’ll win. In fact after looking at some of the other writers nominated in the Life Category I pretty much know how it is going to go down, I’m fairly certain of who is going to win (and no this isn’t a please let me win post).

Some of you may read this and begin to think I have little to no confidence in myself, but in reality I just know what I am capable of. I know that I will go on to continue to do great things and I know that those great things will be admired but the person behind the achievement  She will go ignored.

Today I was called a Trail Blazer  I was told that I do things out of the ordinary and expect nothing in return, this is true. It isn’t because I am a golden heart’ed soul it is because I have lived my life with nothing. That which I have that means anything to me, my camera, my laptop and most importantly my dog are things I earned, things I worked for and continue to work for every day.

No one has ever come up to me and said “hey you there, you deserve this and we love you so here you go” and no one is ever likely to do so.

When I conceived Radio Free Voice that was for myself, it was my way of literally trying to find my voice – I did that. I achieved that goal, I said goodbye and I moved on. There have been talks of bringing it back but it’s unlikely, because it’s already been done, and done better than anyone else could have done it. My numbers proved that within the first six months.

When I came up with Skin n Bones it was two am, and I was bored and angry at the things I was seeing young kids going through, I was pissed off they thought killing themselves was a better idea then trying to find some sense of happiness. I did this, I created this and within just a few weeks there are so many people trying to tear it down and take credit for my work I have to smile to myself.

They say the sincerest form of flattery is imitation well in that case baby I am a fucking Rock Star. I’m the female Gene Simmons in the making, there is no stopping me now.

Okay maybe not quite to that extent, my purpose in life isn’t world monetary domination, its world inspiration or something. I’d like to die and look back knowing I left the world in a better condition when I came into it, I’d like to live my life knowing that people were inspired by my site, my stories and my experience.

I’d like to know that I waded through hell and that it meant something, but chances are high that is never going to happen – that’s okay, I don’t need people to tell me I inspire them. I know it every day when I look up and see how many people are joining the SnBG army. That is enough for me. To know that there are people still being kind to each other, to know that there are people who love each other regardless of race, sexual orientation, creed, religion or sex. I know this because I see it every day when I go to twitter to find inspiration. So thanks for letting me know that I have officially been added to the list of would be winners, but the truth is, I’m already a winner.

S

 

Love

kittymauAs an adult who suffered sexual, emotional and physical abuse I understand what young people today are going through. I have yet to have a single person between the ages of 12-21 tell me I don’t get it because I share my story whenever I can. I do so because I truly believe it is important that kids today know they are not alone. I truly believe the only way someone who is suffering can know they are not alone, is for them to be shown that they are not alone.

Growing up, and even today as an adult I often feel like I am un-lovable, like I am un-worthy of being loved, but I know deep down that when those dark negative feelings begin to affect me I have to remember to stop and breath. To take a moment and remember that just because I feel like I am alone does not mean that I truly am in fact alone.

My higher power is with me always. It took me 29 years to accept that fact, to find my higher power and to trust that when the darkness comes, the light will follow. I have been through a lot in my life time but what I know most of all is that when the day comes I walk away from this life I will do so having left behind as much love and light as I can.

I have yet not earned the peace that death brings, because I know there is still yet work to be done. I know at this point in my life I do have a higher purpose, it took me nearly thirty full years to come to terms with that.

Recently I did a new video for Skin n Bones, it was simple – a collection of images of young people who have committed suicide in the last two years. We used a picture of a young man named Allem Halkic in the video – He was from Australia I don’t know much of his story because I have a hard time reading the stories of these young people who throw their lives away, who live in so much pain.

In any case Allem’s father contacted me to say thank you. Last night on twitter a young man credited me and my mission with his not cutting his arm or attempting to kill himself. Every day I am hearing from more and more people about how I am affecting them.
These are probably one of the best gifts I have or could ever be given. To know that I helped someone smile, to have brought even a tiny amount of peace to someones heart. Even if I can’t do it for myself right now, I know that at long last I have found my place in the world. This is incredible to me.

The feeling of knowing you have helped someone without ever wanting or needing anything in return truly is a gift from the Gods, that is what love is.

Yet another lesson I am learning just now as I roll myself back into my twenties *shut it*. Love isn’t just about work, it is about giving freely of yourself and expecting nothing in return, giving as much as possible and knowing that whether it comes around or not you have left behind some piece of yourself that you do not need to have returned.

I still believe wholly in love, I believe that true love comes from giving away what you have freely, from having no expectations and learning to live as if the world were what it should be, to show it what it can be. You will hear me mention that quote a lot because I believe that we must do that, we must always live as though the world were as it should be, because if we do not we cannot evolve, we cannot change.

Giving love is much easier then receiving love, but that is okay because as life goes on I feel it all around me, constantly growing stronger, constantly enriching my life.

Life is filled with love, you just need to have the courage to stand up and find it.

S

The Devil Returns

“Son, the greatest trick the Devil pulled was convincing the world there was only one of him.” 
― David WongJohn Dies at the End

What do you do when you find out the man who terrorized you, abused you and killed your son is set free? What do you do when the man who victimizes you faces no consequence and no punishment for his crimes?

According to mom you suck it up and move on. The problem is I can’t move on, I cannot let go because I have never had the courage to stand up and speak out about what this man has done, and as it stands now I don’t know who to speak to or what to do. I don’t know who to go to for help or who to ask in terms of why the hell this man is free.

Everyone around me just expects me to put it all away and pretend that I am okay with what happened. Everyone wants me to stop talking about it, stop dealing with it and put a smile on my face. No one wants to hear me complain about it any more and while I understand exactly where they are coming from I have one issue with that:

I can’t live my life for anyone else, and I can’t pretend that I am over what he did to me.

Here is the insane part though: I thought I had three years. I was told I had three years of peace and quiet, of healing time. Three years before I had to see him or think about him. I thought I had three years of time in which I planned to make some attempt to heal from my past. Or at least my past as it relates to him anyways.

I thought that until I saw him walking down the street yesterday. I was on the phone with Nicole when it happened. I saw him walking down the street head down, I don’t know why he looked up but he did. Our eyes met and he looked away as if he couldn’t stand to look at me at all.

Over the years our paths have crossed – we seem to have an odd connection – for some reason he keeps popping in and out of my life…a constant reminder I am never free of my past.  I have always regarded him with caution – never sure which side of him I am going to see. 90% of the time it is the dark side I see. What I saw yesterday was a broken shell of a man and all I could feel was total disgust.

This time was easier then the last time. I didn’t go into full trigger mode but I worry about him being in town. I worry that I will run into him on a regular basis and mostly I worry about why a man who is obviously that cruel and awful is free and clear after all the darkness he has released into the world.

I worry too much.

I pray he will stay away from me. Knowing him however I imagine it is just a matter of time until he goes on another rampage and hurts someone else. All he knows how to do is hurt he is after all the Devil.

S