When the universe Speaks, It Screams

Aries Horoscope Today: Your heart will point you in the right direction today and if you are smart you won’t ask questions, you will just go where it tells you to go. Relationships are under excellent stars, so tell someone you love them.

Today was a crazy day, I had to go see my doctor today to get my morphine refill – we talked for awhile, and when I headed out I went over to a local store to buy a few things, but none of that is the important stuff;

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When the Universe Speaks, You should probably listen

I’d have to look but I am pretty sure I’ve written about this website before. Either way it’s called “Notes From the Universe“. It is one of those self-help websites, but unlike most sites that only offer you the chance to buy tools to help you succeed for $19.95 tut actually overs real world advice for free, and has an entire community of people to lean on.

Those of you who’ve been reading FO for long period’s of time know full well that I am not much of a joiner. However I found this site via my lovely momma love, and I must admit I adore it. I love getting the Universal notes that come three to five times a week and I love even more that every time I get one, it’s exactly what I need to hear.

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bannerfans_6411234I am not going to pretend that I am honored to have been nominated by NinjaMatics because lets get real, I nominated myself. I have learned in my life if I want anything, I am going to have to get it myself because no one is going to just say “Wow we love you enough to nominate you for an award” or “your awesome enough that we want to do something for you” because well really no one ever has before.

No one has ever stood up for me, fought for me or worked to get my attention. I have learned that I am one of those people who slips in and out of lives rarely noticed when I’m there and often forgotten before I am gone.

This is not me feeling sorry for myself it just is what it is, it is how it has always been, and probably how it will always be. Friends who have had the true blessing of being brought into my inner circle either don’t realize how important they are to me, or don’t notice that by bringing them into my aforementioned inner circle I am affirming my love of them.

With all that being said it is kind of cool that the judges thought my blog worthy enough to link to, but to be perfectly honest I don’t expect I’ll win. In fact after looking at some of the other writers nominated in the Life Category I pretty much know how it is going to go down, I’m fairly certain of who is going to win (and no this isn’t a please let me win post).

Some of you may read this and begin to think I have little to no confidence in myself, but in reality I just know what I am capable of. I know that I will go on to continue to do great things and I know that those great things will be admired but the person behind the achievement  She will go ignored.

Today I was called a Trail Blazer  I was told that I do things out of the ordinary and expect nothing in return, this is true. It isn’t because I am a golden heart’ed soul it is because I have lived my life with nothing. That which I have that means anything to me, my camera, my laptop and most importantly my dog are things I earned, things I worked for and continue to work for every day.

No one has ever come up to me and said “hey you there, you deserve this and we love you so here you go” and no one is ever likely to do so.

When I conceived Radio Free Voice that was for myself, it was my way of literally trying to find my voice – I did that. I achieved that goal, I said goodbye and I moved on. There have been talks of bringing it back but it’s unlikely, because it’s already been done, and done better than anyone else could have done it. My numbers proved that within the first six months.

When I came up with Skin n Bones it was two am, and I was bored and angry at the things I was seeing young kids going through, I was pissed off they thought killing themselves was a better idea then trying to find some sense of happiness. I did this, I created this and within just a few weeks there are so many people trying to tear it down and take credit for my work I have to smile to myself.

They say the sincerest form of flattery is imitation well in that case baby I am a fucking Rock Star. I’m the female Gene Simmons in the making, there is no stopping me now.

Okay maybe not quite to that extent, my purpose in life isn’t world monetary domination, its world inspiration or something. I’d like to die and look back knowing I left the world in a better condition when I came into it, I’d like to live my life knowing that people were inspired by my site, my stories and my experience.

I’d like to know that I waded through hell and that it meant something, but chances are high that is never going to happen – that’s okay, I don’t need people to tell me I inspire them. I know it every day when I look up and see how many people are joining the SnBG army. That is enough for me. To know that there are people still being kind to each other, to know that there are people who love each other regardless of race, sexual orientation, creed, religion or sex. I know this because I see it every day when I go to twitter to find inspiration. So thanks for letting me know that I have officially been added to the list of would be winners, but the truth is, I’m already a winner.




kittymauAs an adult who suffered sexual, emotional and physical abuse I understand what young people today are going through. I have yet to have a single person between the ages of 12-21 tell me I don’t get it because I share my story whenever I can. I do so because I truly believe it is important that kids today know they are not alone. I truly believe the only way someone who is suffering can know they are not alone, is for them to be shown that they are not alone.

Growing up, and even today as an adult I often feel like I am un-lovable, like I am un-worthy of being loved, but I know deep down that when those dark negative feelings begin to affect me I have to remember to stop and breath. To take a moment and remember that just because I feel like I am alone does not mean that I truly am in fact alone.

My higher power is with me always. It took me 29 years to accept that fact, to find my higher power and to trust that when the darkness comes, the light will follow. I have been through a lot in my life time but what I know most of all is that when the day comes I walk away from this life I will do so having left behind as much love and light as I can.

I have yet not earned the peace that death brings, because I know there is still yet work to be done. I know at this point in my life I do have a higher purpose, it took me nearly thirty full years to come to terms with that.

Recently I did a new video for Skin n Bones, it was simple – a collection of images of young people who have committed suicide in the last two years. We used a picture of a young man named Allem Halkic in the video – He was from Australia I don’t know much of his story because I have a hard time reading the stories of these young people who throw their lives away, who live in so much pain.

In any case Allem’s father contacted me to say thank you. Last night on twitter a young man credited me and my mission with his not cutting his arm or attempting to kill himself. Every day I am hearing from more and more people about how I am affecting them.
These are probably one of the best gifts I have or could ever be given. To know that I helped someone smile, to have brought even a tiny amount of peace to someones heart. Even if I can’t do it for myself right now, I know that at long last I have found my place in the world. This is incredible to me.

The feeling of knowing you have helped someone without ever wanting or needing anything in return truly is a gift from the Gods, that is what love is.

Yet another lesson I am learning just now as I roll myself back into my twenties *shut it*. Love isn’t just about work, it is about giving freely of yourself and expecting nothing in return, giving as much as possible and knowing that whether it comes around or not you have left behind some piece of yourself that you do not need to have returned.

I still believe wholly in love, I believe that true love comes from giving away what you have freely, from having no expectations and learning to live as if the world were what it should be, to show it what it can be. You will hear me mention that quote a lot because I believe that we must do that, we must always live as though the world were as it should be, because if we do not we cannot evolve, we cannot change.

Giving love is much easier then receiving love, but that is okay because as life goes on I feel it all around me, constantly growing stronger, constantly enriching my life.

Life is filled with love, you just need to have the courage to stand up and find it.


Mother to Mother

alone-broken-girl-lonely-lost-Favim.com-406287Some days I wonder how she does it – How she manages to get up every single day and fight for the lives of thousands of innocent victims. How she manages to work so hard without breaking down every second. The loss is obviously devastating, but beyond that, how does she find the strength to stand in front of hundreds of faces and ask them to hold on? How does she manage to inspire them to find the strength her daughter did not have?

In fact I wonder this every day, why does she just not let herself grieve and move on, instead of constantly hanging on to the memory of her battered abused child? Why doesn’t she just give up already?

Then I know. Worse. I remember.

You know this by now. I lost my son. Miscarriage. Held to my bed forced to stay silent while my child writhed and died inside of me. Forced to take pills and drink until I forgot, until it was nothing more than a memory. Forced to watch him laugh about it years later.

I know. She fights for the same reason I do, because if no one stands up, if no one says enough is enough, if everyone just sits back then the abuse will continue and more will die.

My son never had a chance to see this world, sometimes I am grateful for that, other times I feel like I could fly on anger alone.

My son sits on my shoulder, and smiles when I do well, and isn’t so happy when I mess up. Maybe I am crazy but I like to think that he is still with me, pushing me to carry on, watching me fight to inspire so many young people dying of the disease of fear.

For in essence that is what this angel died of – She took her life because she was terrified of facing yet another day of pain and suffering. Another day of abuse.

Her mother fights because there is no other choice. I am so proud to call you friend. Thank you for helping me to keep fighting, thank you for standing by me and reminding me that things do get better when I am ready to give up.