In my post entitled “Sleeping with the Enemy” I told you about my ex-boyfriend. For ease of writing we will call him simply, J.
When I first met J, he was charming funny cute and sweet. He was a perfect gentleman and he was exactly what I thought I wanted in a man. All of my girlfriends twittered around him, they all thought he was handsome and kind and kept joking about taking him off my hands when I was done with him. I wish now I had said yes.
He had this way about him, this sly manipulative way which he used to turn back time and convince you that not only where you wrong, he was just a victim of the abuse you had suffered prior to him. He had a way of twisting things to make it seem like you were the abuser and he was the victim.
His talented tongue could be used to sweeten your palate or break your heart, depending on his mood.
After I found out that he had been accused and charged (though not yet convicted) of drugging and raping two young girls (ages 14-16 depending on who you speak to) I grew sick for a few days. I mean literally sick. I spent a few days drinking myself to sleep, crying and having crazy insane flashbacks, not just of him but of all my abusers.
It put me into a whirlwind of darkness for a week, but strong as I am nothing can keep me down for long.
Finally tired of just sitting here and getting drunk, I went to an NA Meeting. I remember now why I left recovery.
I stood up and I asked my friends, my colleagues and my neighbors for help, I didn’t explain the situation entirely I merely said I was in a very dark place and I asked for help. I told them that if I did not find a way to deal with my demons I was desperatly afraid I was going to die. I needed help and for the first time I said, I am asking for yours.
Originally a week prior (almost exactly) a man named C had come to me to tell me what was going on with J. Many people who sat in this meeting, salivated over what I had done, over what I had said. Gossip lovers you know. They had gone to C and told him what I said, which was interesting because I hadn’t explained the situation, just that I was in a bad spot. They had told him I was mad at him and I blamed my triggering on him. Neither of which was entirely true.
I did trigger when C told me, and I was angry he told me, but neither of those things were things I had said, nor was I angry at him but instead at the situation.
The point isn’t who said what, it is that I stood up during a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and said I needed help, I cried and said I was afraid I was going to die. I genuinely thought that, and I still think that. I know that if I do not learn to deal with my demons, learn to live life in a healthy way I will in fact die of alcoholism and drug abuse.
I went home that night and I read the basic text, even highlighting some sections that I know resembled my life and the way I think about things, I wanted to make a concentrated effort to stay clean and sober.
As I drifted off to sleep that night the fears, dreams, flashbacks and nightmares started to creep in, but this time I did something Legacy taught me. Instead of freaking out or getting scared, getting angry or even getting worried I began to watch.
Like a movie the images floated through my mind, reminding me of days of old but not actually hurting me in any way.
I watched each memory as if I were watching a movie and you know what? When it was over, nothing happened!
I drifted off to sleep with what I could swear felt like an Angels hand on my shoulder and when I woke up all the pain and darkness, had drifted away.
I know that there will be days that will be hard to deal with. I know that there will be days when I just want it to all be over.
In the mean time however J has now been charged and imprisoned for his part in robbing cabs all last summer here in BC. He has been sent to prison for the next three years.
For the next three years I know for a fact his actions can not hurt me. He cannot find me in a dark alley or stalk me. Which he has done.
He cannot call me or follow me around, for the next three years I am physically safe. The only harm that J can cause me now, will be done by myself.
For now at least, for this small moment in time I am free. I’ll take that and go with it, see where it leads me.