When the universe Speaks, It Screams

Aries Horoscope Today: Your heart will point you in the right direction today and if you are smart you won’t ask questions, you will just go where it tells you to go. Relationships are under excellent stars, so tell someone you love them.

Today was a crazy day, I had to go see my doctor today to get my morphine refill – we talked for awhile, and when I headed out I went over to a local store to buy a few things, but none of that is the important stuff;

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Puzzle Piece-Cindy06For the first time in I am not sure how long I realize that being “alone” is not the same as being lonely. Added to that I am recognizing that I am really only lonely when I make the choice to be.

A few years ago my very good friend Chloe and I had a huge fight, it was the biggest fight I’d ever had with a friend. Recently I set out deliberately to find her, because although things had not been smooth between us for many years I am starting to know the difference between best friends and true friends. It sounds so strange to say that, at thirty years old. The truth is true friends are not always the ones you are the closest to, and best friends are most certainly not the ones you would always call a true friend. Chloe falls into the middle of that, she is both my best friend and my closest friends. With her I have no shame, no fear and no secrets.

It was Chloe that I was discussing relationships with a few weeks ago, she told me to “Be better bait” which at first I didn’t understand. Until she explained.

If you set out deliberately trying to find love it will always confound you and you will take whatever comes along just so you are no longer lonely  If you live your life and wait for the one who is willing to chase you, who sees your worth and wants you in his life then you will have found what you were looking for.

Right now I can honestly say I am not looking for a relationship (I think I’ve said this before but I am pretty sure I was full of shit. ) I’m really not this time. With everything going on with skin n bones I don’t have time to date. When summer comes and we begin the process of finding models and working on the calendar and the other juicy projects I can’t wait to dig in on, I’d rather be lonely by myself than be in an relationship and be alone.

My birthday is in four days and I have to tell you…I’m not that excited. I always was in the past, I’d get crazy excited about my birthday and hope to be surrounded by people who loved me, instead I ended up surrounded by people who were mostly drunk and annoying.

This year probably will be different, because I’ll have celebrations with friends and family. Skin n Bones is throwing me a party which is cool, but I’m more excited to chill with my friends then worry about what I’m going to get.

Thats another thing, everyone keeps asking me what I want for my birthday -sigh- what I want is to not be turning 30, to have something to show for all these years on this earth. I would like to own a house and know that my mother and my brother are taken care of. I’d like a yard for my dog to run in, and thats it.

In the past I wanted cars, money clothes, whatever “things” I could get my hands on, maybe I’m maturing but seriously theres only so much crap you can stuff into a place before your just sick of seeing crap. I should know my mother has a museums worth of shoes.

All I want this year is to hang with some friends, have a good laugh and enjoy the night. So thats it thats whats up this week. A new lesson learned and yet another piece of the puzzle in finding the Ohna.

 

S

Life

bannerfans_6411234I am not going to pretend that I am honored to have been nominated by NinjaMatics because lets get real, I nominated myself. I have learned in my life if I want anything, I am going to have to get it myself because no one is going to just say “Wow we love you enough to nominate you for an award” or “your awesome enough that we want to do something for you” because well really no one ever has before.

No one has ever stood up for me, fought for me or worked to get my attention. I have learned that I am one of those people who slips in and out of lives rarely noticed when I’m there and often forgotten before I am gone.

This is not me feeling sorry for myself it just is what it is, it is how it has always been, and probably how it will always be. Friends who have had the true blessing of being brought into my inner circle either don’t realize how important they are to me, or don’t notice that by bringing them into my aforementioned inner circle I am affirming my love of them.

With all that being said it is kind of cool that the judges thought my blog worthy enough to link to, but to be perfectly honest I don’t expect I’ll win. In fact after looking at some of the other writers nominated in the Life Category I pretty much know how it is going to go down, I’m fairly certain of who is going to win (and no this isn’t a please let me win post).

Some of you may read this and begin to think I have little to no confidence in myself, but in reality I just know what I am capable of. I know that I will go on to continue to do great things and I know that those great things will be admired but the person behind the achievement  She will go ignored.

Today I was called a Trail Blazer  I was told that I do things out of the ordinary and expect nothing in return, this is true. It isn’t because I am a golden heart’ed soul it is because I have lived my life with nothing. That which I have that means anything to me, my camera, my laptop and most importantly my dog are things I earned, things I worked for and continue to work for every day.

No one has ever come up to me and said “hey you there, you deserve this and we love you so here you go” and no one is ever likely to do so.

When I conceived Radio Free Voice that was for myself, it was my way of literally trying to find my voice – I did that. I achieved that goal, I said goodbye and I moved on. There have been talks of bringing it back but it’s unlikely, because it’s already been done, and done better than anyone else could have done it. My numbers proved that within the first six months.

When I came up with Skin n Bones it was two am, and I was bored and angry at the things I was seeing young kids going through, I was pissed off they thought killing themselves was a better idea then trying to find some sense of happiness. I did this, I created this and within just a few weeks there are so many people trying to tear it down and take credit for my work I have to smile to myself.

They say the sincerest form of flattery is imitation well in that case baby I am a fucking Rock Star. I’m the female Gene Simmons in the making, there is no stopping me now.

Okay maybe not quite to that extent, my purpose in life isn’t world monetary domination, its world inspiration or something. I’d like to die and look back knowing I left the world in a better condition when I came into it, I’d like to live my life knowing that people were inspired by my site, my stories and my experience.

I’d like to know that I waded through hell and that it meant something, but chances are high that is never going to happen – that’s okay, I don’t need people to tell me I inspire them. I know it every day when I look up and see how many people are joining the SnBG army. That is enough for me. To know that there are people still being kind to each other, to know that there are people who love each other regardless of race, sexual orientation, creed, religion or sex. I know this because I see it every day when I go to twitter to find inspiration. So thanks for letting me know that I have officially been added to the list of would be winners, but the truth is, I’m already a winner.

S

 

The power of Choice

The thing about being lonely is that it does not go away unless you make the choice to fight it.

Like any demon; fear hatred hurt sadness regret suffering pain, you have to pick up your sword and find a way to fight it. The trick about these emotional demons is that they often convince you that you have no way out, no escape, that you are not strong enough to fight them.

When I think about my recovery I realize more and more that I am in a sense fighting these emotional demons who have for so long convinced me that I deserve to suffer, to be punished for crimes I have not committed.

 

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”

~Franklin D Roosevelt

 

A lot of people in my former recovery group have told me “people in recovery are sick” but they never understand how to finish the sentence. “People in recovery are sick until they realize they need to stop worrying about picking up the bottle and start learning to pick up the sword

Everyone I know in recovery is convinced that as long as you do not pick up, you can say your sober your healthy, your cured.

It is so much deeper than that, it is so much more complex then refusing to pick up a pill or a drink, it is about focusing on what it is that makes you want to pick up – peeling back the layers and seeing the demon for what it is.

So now that you know what it is you are actually fighting, you have two choices;

You can sit on your ass, whine and cry about how much your life sucks, or alternatively you can get up and do something about it.

“If you want to be somebody,

If you want to go somewhere,

You Better Wake Up and Pay Attention”

One of the other things we learn in recovery is that if you ever want your life to be better you have to live it for others, you get out of the Universe what you put into it. If you want to have a happy healthy life, then you have to actually work to make that happen and it should not be about making money and getting through the day.

You have to find something you are passionate about that helps other people – if I’ve learned anything in the last five years this is the most important lesson I can pass on.

“Never start a project with the idea of making money,

Start it with a desire to change the world.”

I want to leave the world in better condition then when I came into it. So many of us think that way but few of us have the courage to take action to make that happen. The world is filled with people who live and who die, and do very little in between those two occasions. You can decide to be lonely for the rest of your life, or you can find something you are passionate about and see where that road takes you.

The lesson of the day isn’t about inspiring you to do something to help others, its about showing you that through helping others you can help yourself.

Today’s lesson is simple: Choose! Make a choice, and be ready to live with the consequences, because the only thing that we have in this entire world that matters, that means anything, is Freedom Of Choice, The Power of Choice

Here is to hoping that you choose well.

S

 

 

Love

kittymauAs an adult who suffered sexual, emotional and physical abuse I understand what young people today are going through. I have yet to have a single person between the ages of 12-21 tell me I don’t get it because I share my story whenever I can. I do so because I truly believe it is important that kids today know they are not alone. I truly believe the only way someone who is suffering can know they are not alone, is for them to be shown that they are not alone.

Growing up, and even today as an adult I often feel like I am un-lovable, like I am un-worthy of being loved, but I know deep down that when those dark negative feelings begin to affect me I have to remember to stop and breath. To take a moment and remember that just because I feel like I am alone does not mean that I truly am in fact alone.

My higher power is with me always. It took me 29 years to accept that fact, to find my higher power and to trust that when the darkness comes, the light will follow. I have been through a lot in my life time but what I know most of all is that when the day comes I walk away from this life I will do so having left behind as much love and light as I can.

I have yet not earned the peace that death brings, because I know there is still yet work to be done. I know at this point in my life I do have a higher purpose, it took me nearly thirty full years to come to terms with that.

Recently I did a new video for Skin n Bones, it was simple – a collection of images of young people who have committed suicide in the last two years. We used a picture of a young man named Allem Halkic in the video – He was from Australia I don’t know much of his story because I have a hard time reading the stories of these young people who throw their lives away, who live in so much pain.

In any case Allem’s father contacted me to say thank you. Last night on twitter a young man credited me and my mission with his not cutting his arm or attempting to kill himself. Every day I am hearing from more and more people about how I am affecting them.
These are probably one of the best gifts I have or could ever be given. To know that I helped someone smile, to have brought even a tiny amount of peace to someones heart. Even if I can’t do it for myself right now, I know that at long last I have found my place in the world. This is incredible to me.

The feeling of knowing you have helped someone without ever wanting or needing anything in return truly is a gift from the Gods, that is what love is.

Yet another lesson I am learning just now as I roll myself back into my twenties *shut it*. Love isn’t just about work, it is about giving freely of yourself and expecting nothing in return, giving as much as possible and knowing that whether it comes around or not you have left behind some piece of yourself that you do not need to have returned.

I still believe wholly in love, I believe that true love comes from giving away what you have freely, from having no expectations and learning to live as if the world were what it should be, to show it what it can be. You will hear me mention that quote a lot because I believe that we must do that, we must always live as though the world were as it should be, because if we do not we cannot evolve, we cannot change.

Giving love is much easier then receiving love, but that is okay because as life goes on I feel it all around me, constantly growing stronger, constantly enriching my life.

Life is filled with love, you just need to have the courage to stand up and find it.

S

Update on the JailBird

In my post entitled “Sleeping with the Enemy” I told you about my ex-boyfriend. For ease of writing we will call him simply, J.

When I first met J, he was charming funny cute and sweet. He was a perfect gentleman and he was exactly what I thought I wanted in a man. All of my girlfriends twittered around him, they all thought he was handsome and kind and kept joking about  taking him off my hands when I was done with him. I wish now I had said yes.

He had this way about him, this sly manipulative way which he used to turn back time and convince you that not only where you wrong, he was just a victim of the abuse you had suffered prior to him. He had a way of twisting things to make it seem like you were the abuser and he was the victim.

His talented tongue could be used to sweeten your palate or break your heart, depending on his mood.

After I found out that he had been accused and charged (though not yet convicted) of drugging and raping two young girls (ages 14-16 depending on who you speak to) I grew sick for a few days. I mean literally sick. I spent a few days drinking myself to sleep, crying and having crazy insane flashbacks, not just of him but of all my abusers.

It put me into a whirlwind of darkness for a week, but strong as I am nothing can keep me down for long.

Finally tired of just sitting here and getting drunk, I went to an NA Meeting. I remember now why I left recovery.

I stood up and I asked my friends, my colleagues and my neighbors for help, I didn’t explain the situation entirely I merely said I was in a very dark place and I asked for help. I told them that if I did not find a way to deal with my demons I was desperatly afraid I was going to die. I needed help and for the first time I said, I am asking for yours.

Originally a week prior (almost exactly) a man named C had come to me to tell me what was going on with J. Many people who sat in this meeting, salivated over what I had done, over what I had said. Gossip lovers you know. They had gone to C and told him what I said, which was interesting because I hadn’t explained the situation, just that I was in a bad spot. They had told him I was mad at him and I blamed my triggering on him. Neither of which was entirely true.

I did trigger when C told me, and I was angry he told me, but neither of those things were things I had said, nor was I angry at him but instead at the situation.

The point isn’t who said what, it is that I stood up during a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and said I needed help, I cried and said I was afraid I was going to die. I genuinely thought that, and I still think that. I know that if I do not learn to deal with my demons, learn to live life in a healthy way I will in fact die of alcoholism and drug abuse.

I went home that night and I read the basic text, even highlighting some sections that I know resembled my life and the way I think about things, I wanted to make a concentrated effort to stay clean and sober.

As I drifted off to sleep that night the fears, dreams, flashbacks and nightmares started to creep in, but this time I did something Legacy taught me. Instead of freaking out or getting scared, getting angry or even getting worried I began to watch.

Like a movie the images floated through my mind, reminding me of days of old but not actually hurting me in any way.

I watched each memory as if I were watching a movie and you know what? When it was over, nothing happened!

I drifted off to sleep with what I could swear felt like an Angels hand on my shoulder and when I woke up all the pain and darkness, had drifted away.

I know that there will be days that will be hard to deal with. I know that there will be days when I just want it to all be over.

In the mean time however J has now been charged and imprisoned for his part in robbing cabs all last summer here in BC. He has been sent to prison for the next three years.

For the next three years I know for a fact his actions can not hurt me. He cannot find me in a dark alley or stalk me. Which he has done.

He cannot call me or follow me around, for the next three years I am physically safe. The only harm that J can cause me now, will be done by myself.

For now at least, for this small moment in time I am free. I’ll take that and go with it, see where it leads me.

Syn