When the universe Speaks, It Screams

Aries Horoscope Today: Your heart will point you in the right direction today and if you are smart you won’t ask questions, you will just go where it tells you to go. Relationships are under excellent stars, so tell someone you love them.

Today was a crazy day, I had to go see my doctor today to get my morphine refill – we talked for awhile, and when I headed out I went over to a local store to buy a few things, but none of that is the important stuff;

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When the Universe Speaks, You should probably listen

I’d have to look but I am pretty sure I’ve written about this website before. Either way it’s called “Notes From the Universe“. It is one of those self-help websites, but unlike most sites that only offer you the chance to buy tools to help you succeed for $19.95 tut actually overs real world advice for free, and has an entire community of people to lean on.

Those of you who’ve been reading FO for long period’s of time know full well that I am not much of a joiner. However I found this site via my lovely momma love, and I must admit I adore it. I love getting the Universal notes that come three to five times a week and I love even more that every time I get one, it’s exactly what I need to hear.

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Ecco

192998_1161695118_largeIn Greek mythology Echo was a wood nymph who loved a youth by the name of Narcissus. He was a beautiful creature loved by many but Narcissus loved no one. He enjoyed attention, praise and envy. In Narcissus’ eyes nobody matched him and as such he considered none were worthy of him.

Echo’s passion for Narcissus was equaled only by her passion for talking as she always had to have the last word. One day she enabled the escape of the goddess Juno’s adulterous husband by engaging Juno in conversation. On finding out Echo’s treachery Juno cursed Echo by removing her voice with the exception that she could only speak that which was spoken to her.

Echo often waited in the woods to see Narcissus hoping for a chance to be noticed. One day as she lingered in the bushes he heard her footsteps and called out “Who’s here?” Echo replied “Here!” Narcissus called again “Come”, Echo replied “Come!”. Narcissus called once more “Why do you shun me?… Let us join one another.” Echo was overjoyed that Narcissus had asked her to join him. She longed to tell him who she was and of all the love she had for him in her heart but she could not speak. She ran towards him and threw herself upon him.

Narcissus became angry “Hands off! I would rather die than you should have me!” and threw Echo to the ground. Echo left the woods a ruin, her heart broken. Ashamed she ran away to live in the mountains yearning for a love that would never be returned. The grief killed her. Her body became one with the mountain stone. All that remained was her voice which replied in kind when others spoke.

Narcissus continued to attract many nymphs all of whom he briefly entertained before scorning and refusing them. The gods grew tired of his behaviour and cursed Narcissus. They wanted him to know what it felt like to love and never be loved. They made it so there was only one whom he would love, someone who was not real and could never love him back.

One day whilst out enjoying the sunshine Narcissus came upon a pool of water. As he gazed into it he caught a glimpse of what he thought was a beautiful water spirit. He did not recognise his own reflection and was immediately enamoured. Narcissus bent down his head to kiss the vision. As he did so the reflection mimicked his actions. Taking this as a sign of reciprocation Narcissus reached into the pool to draw the water spirit to him. The water displaced and the vision was gone. He panicked, where had his love gone? When the water became calm the water spirit returned. “Why, beautiful being, do you shun me? Surely my face is not one to repel you. The nymphs love me, and you yourself look not indifferent upon me. When I stretch forth my arms you do the same; and you smile upon me and answer my beckonings with the like.” Again he reached out and again his love disappeared. Frightened to touch the water Narcissus lay still by the pool gazing in to the eyes of his vision.

He cried in frustration. As he did so Echo also cried. He did not move, he did not eat or drink, he only suffered. As he pined he became gaunt loosing his beauty. The nymphs that loved him pleaded with him to come away from the pool. As they did so Echo also pleaded with him. He was transfixed; he wanted to stay there forever. Narcissus like Echo died with grief. His body disappeared and where his body once lay a flower grew in it’s place. The nymphs mourned his death and as they mourned Echo also mourned.

Today I am learning that I have to let go of some things, and some people that I love and adore and care about very much. Not because they have done me wrong, or because they are awful people. I have to let them go because for all these years that I thought I was searching for love. In reality what I was doing was convincing that love and sex are exactly the same thing. In the last three days I have been an emotional wreck, because I am starting to unwillingly pull back more and more layers of myself. I am taking this deep long hard look at myself and not really liking what I see.

My fear of turning 30 does not stem from what I have not done or seen or built, but instead what I have done, to myself emotionally and spiritually.

I met this man recently, much older than myself and without realizing it I found a kindred spirit. Without planning to I started to take a long hard look at him and the kind of woman he deserves and I realized that I very much wanted to be that woman. I very much wanted to be the woman he held at night, and kissed in the morning, and I realized I was more scared than I have ever been before.

I am not certain that I can be that woman, not yet maybe not ever. What I do know is that like Ecco until I learn to stop talking, to be silent, to look at what I am doing to myself, to my life, until I learn to love myself first I can never truly let a man love me.

Over the last 30 years I have been burned, held over a roof and raped so many times I cannot count, and every time I think the puzzle of Ohna is almost complete I look further and realize there is more to the puzzle.

Right now my focus is on trying to love myself without sex. I haven’t had sex with a man in two years, but masturbation and cybersex are two things I have never lived without even phone sex with good friends or the occasional fondling with a good buddy.

All my life I used my vagina to feel good about myself, as long as men wanted to sleep with me then I mattered, then I belonged.  I have always heard the phrase “look within before you look without” I have not ever done that because looking within means dealing with shit that is scary and rough to get past.

When a man tells me I am beautiful I suddenly turn away my walls go up. Every man I have ever been with has told me that I am beautiful, I am only beautiful while they are inside of me. When that part is over they cannot wait to rush away.

Not too long ago, I stopped looking at myself, I let myself believe that I was not worth fighting for, that I was not worth loving because that is what was told to me. I felt that I had been slapped when I heard that. No one had ever said something so awful to me before, and while I know the intent to hurt was not meant, and the way I took it not intended, it hurt none the less. Now I have to do some more work and go back to square one. Take the time to remove the walls a little more and remember that was 1 person’s way of lashing out because……he chose to lash out.

I hope that I get through this okay because for the first time in my life I am really afraid about what I am about to pull out of my own personal Pandora’s Box. Here’s to the next phase of my life.

Syn

Puzzle Piece-Cindy06For the first time in I am not sure how long I realize that being “alone” is not the same as being lonely. Added to that I am recognizing that I am really only lonely when I make the choice to be.

A few years ago my very good friend Chloe and I had a huge fight, it was the biggest fight I’d ever had with a friend. Recently I set out deliberately to find her, because although things had not been smooth between us for many years I am starting to know the difference between best friends and true friends. It sounds so strange to say that, at thirty years old. The truth is true friends are not always the ones you are the closest to, and best friends are most certainly not the ones you would always call a true friend. Chloe falls into the middle of that, she is both my best friend and my closest friends. With her I have no shame, no fear and no secrets.

It was Chloe that I was discussing relationships with a few weeks ago, she told me to “Be better bait” which at first I didn’t understand. Until she explained.

If you set out deliberately trying to find love it will always confound you and you will take whatever comes along just so you are no longer lonely  If you live your life and wait for the one who is willing to chase you, who sees your worth and wants you in his life then you will have found what you were looking for.

Right now I can honestly say I am not looking for a relationship (I think I’ve said this before but I am pretty sure I was full of shit. ) I’m really not this time. With everything going on with skin n bones I don’t have time to date. When summer comes and we begin the process of finding models and working on the calendar and the other juicy projects I can’t wait to dig in on, I’d rather be lonely by myself than be in an relationship and be alone.

My birthday is in four days and I have to tell you…I’m not that excited. I always was in the past, I’d get crazy excited about my birthday and hope to be surrounded by people who loved me, instead I ended up surrounded by people who were mostly drunk and annoying.

This year probably will be different, because I’ll have celebrations with friends and family. Skin n Bones is throwing me a party which is cool, but I’m more excited to chill with my friends then worry about what I’m going to get.

Thats another thing, everyone keeps asking me what I want for my birthday -sigh- what I want is to not be turning 30, to have something to show for all these years on this earth. I would like to own a house and know that my mother and my brother are taken care of. I’d like a yard for my dog to run in, and thats it.

In the past I wanted cars, money clothes, whatever “things” I could get my hands on, maybe I’m maturing but seriously theres only so much crap you can stuff into a place before your just sick of seeing crap. I should know my mother has a museums worth of shoes.

All I want this year is to hang with some friends, have a good laugh and enjoy the night. So thats it thats whats up this week. A new lesson learned and yet another piece of the puzzle in finding the Ohna.

 

S

The power of Choice

The thing about being lonely is that it does not go away unless you make the choice to fight it.

Like any demon; fear hatred hurt sadness regret suffering pain, you have to pick up your sword and find a way to fight it. The trick about these emotional demons is that they often convince you that you have no way out, no escape, that you are not strong enough to fight them.

When I think about my recovery I realize more and more that I am in a sense fighting these emotional demons who have for so long convinced me that I deserve to suffer, to be punished for crimes I have not committed.

 

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”

~Franklin D Roosevelt

 

A lot of people in my former recovery group have told me “people in recovery are sick” but they never understand how to finish the sentence. “People in recovery are sick until they realize they need to stop worrying about picking up the bottle and start learning to pick up the sword

Everyone I know in recovery is convinced that as long as you do not pick up, you can say your sober your healthy, your cured.

It is so much deeper than that, it is so much more complex then refusing to pick up a pill or a drink, it is about focusing on what it is that makes you want to pick up – peeling back the layers and seeing the demon for what it is.

So now that you know what it is you are actually fighting, you have two choices;

You can sit on your ass, whine and cry about how much your life sucks, or alternatively you can get up and do something about it.

“If you want to be somebody,

If you want to go somewhere,

You Better Wake Up and Pay Attention”

One of the other things we learn in recovery is that if you ever want your life to be better you have to live it for others, you get out of the Universe what you put into it. If you want to have a happy healthy life, then you have to actually work to make that happen and it should not be about making money and getting through the day.

You have to find something you are passionate about that helps other people – if I’ve learned anything in the last five years this is the most important lesson I can pass on.

“Never start a project with the idea of making money,

Start it with a desire to change the world.”

I want to leave the world in better condition then when I came into it. So many of us think that way but few of us have the courage to take action to make that happen. The world is filled with people who live and who die, and do very little in between those two occasions. You can decide to be lonely for the rest of your life, or you can find something you are passionate about and see where that road takes you.

The lesson of the day isn’t about inspiring you to do something to help others, its about showing you that through helping others you can help yourself.

Today’s lesson is simple: Choose! Make a choice, and be ready to live with the consequences, because the only thing that we have in this entire world that matters, that means anything, is Freedom Of Choice, The Power of Choice

Here is to hoping that you choose well.

S

 

 

Fear of love le deux

Beautiful Thing, groundbreaking gay play, to enjoy West End revivalThere are some people out there that are afraid of everything, some that are afraid of nothing and then there are those who are afraid of the irrational, like myself.

For instance I am terrified of the word ‘Beautiful” I cannot hear it without inwardly cringing inside because every time a male counterpart has ever used that word, it usually ended up with me being broken and bruised either physically or emotionally.

I am also afraid of the words “I love you”. I can use them but I take great issue with hearing them, mostly because I haven’t heard them enough in my life.

I suppose that is why the situation I am in currently hurts so much. I am starting to see a pattern in my life that I am finding devastatingly heart breaking.

I no longer go for the bad guy, or the guy who treats me like crap – Instead in the last year or so I have been leaning more toward the men that are very good at convincing the world they are the “good guy”.

Take my New years eve date for instance:

N and I had been friends for the better part of two years, he had seen me through the best and the worst of my recovery and he was the person that kept bringing me back, convincing me to stick it out. 

Finally we decided to go to the New Years NA dance together, as a couple. I was very excited. I got a great outfit, spent a ton getting my hair done, I was thrilled – because not only was I going with someone I respected but genuinely liked. 

The day of the dance he calls me to tell me he isn’t going to make it to dinner, because he’d been up with his son all night long, okay that I can understand. 

During my hair appointment he “lets it slip” that the real reason he wasn’t going to make it to dinner, was because he thought he would be spending the day with his new girlfriend. 

I was shocked hurt and angry and when I expressed this to him his response was “That’s the way the world goes sometimes”…Seriously? I can’t make this shit up. 

In the most recent case of dating and relationship disasters something happened and regardless of the other parties responsibility, I find myself wondering what is wrong with me, wondering why I am not good enough for him. What did I do to make him decide that our relationship was great and all, just not great enough to make work? What could I have done differently?

This is the trouble with self reflection, even when there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome of a given situation, you have already trained yourself to ask the question, “what could I have done better?”

Especially in the case of someone who has a) not been loved enough and b) has seen far too many people walk out of her life.

So the question is what the hell do you do now? When someone you love claims to care about you but isn’t interested in perusing a relationship because of what may or may not happen, what do you do to end the pain and move on with your life in a more positive light filled way?

You cry, you feel sorry for yourself, you eat lots of chocolate and go out for wine filled drinks with friends and then you move on. Once the grieving has stopped you  move on with your life and wait for the next opportunity or go out of your way to find it.

In my particular case I am so used to disappointment and heart break I feel almost guilty for refusing to sit on my ass for the next six months wondering why he didn’t love me enough, as hurt as I am, as much as it stings.

As much as I would love to wallow, I am yet again starting over. I am yet again rebuilding my confidence shred by pathetic shred and I am going to pretend it doesn’t hurt, I am going to “fake it until I make it” because I have come too far to let this break me.

I won’t deny it will hurt for a long time, I can even admit it has pushed me back in my emotional recovery, but it is another lesson learned.

My only fear at this point, is how bitter is this newest hurt going to make me? I pray that I will somehow find the strength not to push people away like I have in the past out of fear. I hope that I can move on from this experience better informed and a little more careful but a little more welcoming to love when it finally does come my way.

S