When the universe Speaks, It Screams

Aries Horoscope Today: Your heart will point you in the right direction today and if you are smart you won’t ask questions, you will just go where it tells you to go. Relationships are under excellent stars, so tell someone you love them.

Today was a crazy day, I had to go see my doctor today to get my morphine refill – we talked for awhile, and when I headed out I went over to a local store to buy a few things, but none of that is the important stuff;

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My Best Friends Wedding

My best friend is getting married.

booThose words are still weird, but not in a bad way, more in a holy shit my best friend has grown up!

I’m so excited for him and for his lovely woman Robyn, unfortunately I won’t be able to attend the wedding but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about the speech I would have given at my best friends wedding. (Sorry I had to) Continue reading

When the Universe Speaks, You should probably listen

I’d have to look but I am pretty sure I’ve written about this website before. Either way it’s called “Notes From the Universe“. It is one of those self-help websites, but unlike most sites that only offer you the chance to buy tools to help you succeed for $19.95 tut actually overs real world advice for free, and has an entire community of people to lean on.

Those of you who’ve been reading FO for long period’s of time know full well that I am not much of a joiner. However I found this site via my lovely momma love, and I must admit I adore it. I love getting the Universal notes that come three to five times a week and I love even more that every time I get one, it’s exactly what I need to hear.

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Growing Wise at long last

So in the last four to six months, this happened:

I adopted a sixteen year old kid with no where to live.

I set up guidelines she had to live by since you know we were feeding her and she wasn’t giving us a dime. Small things like take out the trash, walk the dog, clean the bathroom. That was it, little stuff as a way to not only realize nothing in this world is free, but also because I had no intention of cleaning up after and cooking for 3 grown human beings without anyone pitching in.

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Ecco

192998_1161695118_largeIn Greek mythology Echo was a wood nymph who loved a youth by the name of Narcissus. He was a beautiful creature loved by many but Narcissus loved no one. He enjoyed attention, praise and envy. In Narcissus’ eyes nobody matched him and as such he considered none were worthy of him.

Echo’s passion for Narcissus was equaled only by her passion for talking as she always had to have the last word. One day she enabled the escape of the goddess Juno’s adulterous husband by engaging Juno in conversation. On finding out Echo’s treachery Juno cursed Echo by removing her voice with the exception that she could only speak that which was spoken to her.

Echo often waited in the woods to see Narcissus hoping for a chance to be noticed. One day as she lingered in the bushes he heard her footsteps and called out “Who’s here?” Echo replied “Here!” Narcissus called again “Come”, Echo replied “Come!”. Narcissus called once more “Why do you shun me?… Let us join one another.” Echo was overjoyed that Narcissus had asked her to join him. She longed to tell him who she was and of all the love she had for him in her heart but she could not speak. She ran towards him and threw herself upon him.

Narcissus became angry “Hands off! I would rather die than you should have me!” and threw Echo to the ground. Echo left the woods a ruin, her heart broken. Ashamed she ran away to live in the mountains yearning for a love that would never be returned. The grief killed her. Her body became one with the mountain stone. All that remained was her voice which replied in kind when others spoke.

Narcissus continued to attract many nymphs all of whom he briefly entertained before scorning and refusing them. The gods grew tired of his behaviour and cursed Narcissus. They wanted him to know what it felt like to love and never be loved. They made it so there was only one whom he would love, someone who was not real and could never love him back.

One day whilst out enjoying the sunshine Narcissus came upon a pool of water. As he gazed into it he caught a glimpse of what he thought was a beautiful water spirit. He did not recognise his own reflection and was immediately enamoured. Narcissus bent down his head to kiss the vision. As he did so the reflection mimicked his actions. Taking this as a sign of reciprocation Narcissus reached into the pool to draw the water spirit to him. The water displaced and the vision was gone. He panicked, where had his love gone? When the water became calm the water spirit returned. “Why, beautiful being, do you shun me? Surely my face is not one to repel you. The nymphs love me, and you yourself look not indifferent upon me. When I stretch forth my arms you do the same; and you smile upon me and answer my beckonings with the like.” Again he reached out and again his love disappeared. Frightened to touch the water Narcissus lay still by the pool gazing in to the eyes of his vision.

He cried in frustration. As he did so Echo also cried. He did not move, he did not eat or drink, he only suffered. As he pined he became gaunt loosing his beauty. The nymphs that loved him pleaded with him to come away from the pool. As they did so Echo also pleaded with him. He was transfixed; he wanted to stay there forever. Narcissus like Echo died with grief. His body disappeared and where his body once lay a flower grew in it’s place. The nymphs mourned his death and as they mourned Echo also mourned.

Today I am learning that I have to let go of some things, and some people that I love and adore and care about very much. Not because they have done me wrong, or because they are awful people. I have to let them go because for all these years that I thought I was searching for love. In reality what I was doing was convincing that love and sex are exactly the same thing. In the last three days I have been an emotional wreck, because I am starting to unwillingly pull back more and more layers of myself. I am taking this deep long hard look at myself and not really liking what I see.

My fear of turning 30 does not stem from what I have not done or seen or built, but instead what I have done, to myself emotionally and spiritually.

I met this man recently, much older than myself and without realizing it I found a kindred spirit. Without planning to I started to take a long hard look at him and the kind of woman he deserves and I realized that I very much wanted to be that woman. I very much wanted to be the woman he held at night, and kissed in the morning, and I realized I was more scared than I have ever been before.

I am not certain that I can be that woman, not yet maybe not ever. What I do know is that like Ecco until I learn to stop talking, to be silent, to look at what I am doing to myself, to my life, until I learn to love myself first I can never truly let a man love me.

Over the last 30 years I have been burned, held over a roof and raped so many times I cannot count, and every time I think the puzzle of Ohna is almost complete I look further and realize there is more to the puzzle.

Right now my focus is on trying to love myself without sex. I haven’t had sex with a man in two years, but masturbation and cybersex are two things I have never lived without even phone sex with good friends or the occasional fondling with a good buddy.

All my life I used my vagina to feel good about myself, as long as men wanted to sleep with me then I mattered, then I belonged.  I have always heard the phrase “look within before you look without” I have not ever done that because looking within means dealing with shit that is scary and rough to get past.

When a man tells me I am beautiful I suddenly turn away my walls go up. Every man I have ever been with has told me that I am beautiful, I am only beautiful while they are inside of me. When that part is over they cannot wait to rush away.

Not too long ago, I stopped looking at myself, I let myself believe that I was not worth fighting for, that I was not worth loving because that is what was told to me. I felt that I had been slapped when I heard that. No one had ever said something so awful to me before, and while I know the intent to hurt was not meant, and the way I took it not intended, it hurt none the less. Now I have to do some more work and go back to square one. Take the time to remove the walls a little more and remember that was 1 person’s way of lashing out because……he chose to lash out.

I hope that I get through this okay because for the first time in my life I am really afraid about what I am about to pull out of my own personal Pandora’s Box. Here’s to the next phase of my life.

Syn

Puzzle Piece-Cindy06For the first time in I am not sure how long I realize that being “alone” is not the same as being lonely. Added to that I am recognizing that I am really only lonely when I make the choice to be.

A few years ago my very good friend Chloe and I had a huge fight, it was the biggest fight I’d ever had with a friend. Recently I set out deliberately to find her, because although things had not been smooth between us for many years I am starting to know the difference between best friends and true friends. It sounds so strange to say that, at thirty years old. The truth is true friends are not always the ones you are the closest to, and best friends are most certainly not the ones you would always call a true friend. Chloe falls into the middle of that, she is both my best friend and my closest friends. With her I have no shame, no fear and no secrets.

It was Chloe that I was discussing relationships with a few weeks ago, she told me to “Be better bait” which at first I didn’t understand. Until she explained.

If you set out deliberately trying to find love it will always confound you and you will take whatever comes along just so you are no longer lonely  If you live your life and wait for the one who is willing to chase you, who sees your worth and wants you in his life then you will have found what you were looking for.

Right now I can honestly say I am not looking for a relationship (I think I’ve said this before but I am pretty sure I was full of shit. ) I’m really not this time. With everything going on with skin n bones I don’t have time to date. When summer comes and we begin the process of finding models and working on the calendar and the other juicy projects I can’t wait to dig in on, I’d rather be lonely by myself than be in an relationship and be alone.

My birthday is in four days and I have to tell you…I’m not that excited. I always was in the past, I’d get crazy excited about my birthday and hope to be surrounded by people who loved me, instead I ended up surrounded by people who were mostly drunk and annoying.

This year probably will be different, because I’ll have celebrations with friends and family. Skin n Bones is throwing me a party which is cool, but I’m more excited to chill with my friends then worry about what I’m going to get.

Thats another thing, everyone keeps asking me what I want for my birthday -sigh- what I want is to not be turning 30, to have something to show for all these years on this earth. I would like to own a house and know that my mother and my brother are taken care of. I’d like a yard for my dog to run in, and thats it.

In the past I wanted cars, money clothes, whatever “things” I could get my hands on, maybe I’m maturing but seriously theres only so much crap you can stuff into a place before your just sick of seeing crap. I should know my mother has a museums worth of shoes.

All I want this year is to hang with some friends, have a good laugh and enjoy the night. So thats it thats whats up this week. A new lesson learned and yet another piece of the puzzle in finding the Ohna.

 

S

My Champion

perfect-guy-3I honestly believe that the desire to be with one partner your entire life is a learned behavior, it is the only explanation for the global divorce rate.

Recently during a flirtation I suppose is the best word, I was told that the relationship I was hoping to build would be too difficult to maintain.

Forgetting how much that hurts for a moment, it occurs to me that all relationships take work, if it isn’t distance it’s learning to put up with someone else’s crazy every single day of your life for the next fifty years.

People I know who have been apart of successful marriages tell me that it takes work – that you have to be learn to balance your needs with the needs of your partner and then your family. Some people say you put your partner first, others your children, I think that if you want to be part of a successful couple you have to learn what works best for you and your partner, no one can tell you how to make your relationship work.

Since the last guy I was into unceremoniously told me that our “relationship” if you can call it that, was simply too hard to maintain, I have been putting some serious thought into my past relationships and I have found the pattern, at long last.

It only took me twenty-nine years.

In the past I have dated men who had some or most of the following:

  • Wanted a mother type figure to take care of them – Sorry boys I have enough people to take care of in my life. 
  • Wanted attention -all- the time, no matter who I was with, if I was not 100% focused on the boy, I was doing something wrong.
  • Wanted to control me but didn’t understand how so instead tried to smother me
  • Could say all the right things but couldn’t back up what they were saying
  • Easily and effectively isolated me from my friendships and support group
  • Backed off the moment I got even remotely close or attached to them
  • Did not think I was worth fighting for, or see any value in me as an individual except when it benifited them.

Not one of the men in my past relationships *and by this I mean physical real actually here relationships* has ever done anything remotely romantic for me, and when they did it was always self serving.

You know what I realized tonight? It isn’t me! It really is them! WHAT A RELIEF!

The truth is that I am in every sense of the phrase a Fire Element, which means I am incredibly strong, I mean hell look at everything I’ve been through, all the rapes the sexual assaults, the beatings the emotionally draining torture, I’ve seen and done it all and I am still here. There is very little I can’t handle and yes sometimes I forget that, sometimes I break down and cry and scream and curse the God’s but the truth is I am really truly very strong, however it means that finding a partner is very difficult. For some reason I am attracted to weak men.

Actually that is a misnomer, I know exactly why. Strong as I am, I am also a care taker, I take care of a lot of the people in my every day life, my mom my friends and even people I work with at the church, I spend a great deal of time not focusing on what I need in my life let alone my relationships.

So with all that being said and figured out what is it a woman like me seeks in a man? The answer is actually really simple.

I am looking for a man who can stand up to me, who won’t back down when things get emotional or even scary, a man who can take my bullshit and stand there staring at me and either verbally or silently has the balls to say “okay are you done yet?” I am looking for a man who is my equal partner in every way, and that really is not easy to find.

To me a successful relationship is going to be very much like a dance – where both partners know what to expect from each other. Part of this means that I need to learn to let my guards down and trust a little, but the man who’s going to win my heart and put a ring on my finger is going to think I’m worth sticking around for, he is going to understand that I have been through a lot and that trusting is hard, and he is going to show me with his actions not his words that he isn’t going anywhere.

He is going to smile at me kiss me on the head and say “Stop being stupid, I’m not leaving and your just going to have to suck it up and deal with that”. He is going to understand that I don’t know shit about adult relationships because frankly I’ve been dating boys all this time instead of men.

He is going to be my Champion, my shoulder to cry on and you know what else? He’s not going to take my shit. He’s going to tell me when I am being stupid and know that while I may not like it I’ll respect it. He’s going to have the balls to stand up to me and the heart to let me see when he needs to lean on me for a little.

I’m not just looking for any man, I know this for sure now, I am looking for my soul-mate and he’s out there. I haven’t found him yet but I will because I know that there is nothing about this Fire Element that can settle for less. After everything I have been through I deserve my perfect man, whatever he looks like, however much money he has none of that matters because it’s so much more then “love will see us through” we will work together as a team. I’m waiting for my “Mr. Big” I am Carry Fucking Bradshaw *okay without the fucking cause it’s been that long* but here we go. The Quest for the Champion begins right now.

He’s out there somewhere, and baby I’m ready to rock and roll and find my man.

For the record I know how all this sounds and you know what?! I do not Care!

S